Tuesday, December 25, 2007

The Reason for the Season



EDIT! EDIT! EDIT!

A sadvertising reader says the above photo/site is a darkly clever parody of how Christians misinterpret biblical teachings. Evidently he knows it's so because he knows the people behind it.

If you read my previous post, I guess "wearefishermen.com" hooked me into believing the figurines was a sincere effort in evangelism.

Ok. Now that I KNOW (a'hem), I want my Jesus figurine to be standing in front of a microphone wailing Kenny Loggins theme from CaddyShack - "I'm All Right!"









(PS - I think the real Jesus would also know better than to play football in a robe.)

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

She's PREGNANT! OMG OMG OMG OMG!



This was pointed out to me tonight - Britney Spears' 16 yr. old sis gets knocked up and her headline is more important than a war.

A WAR.

"What will you tell kids about Britney's Sister?"

Why, I'm going to let out a huge belch, slap my knee, hand'em a beer and teach them the "pull my finger" joke...then we're gonna talk about how love is like a cute puppy that licks your nose and makes you giggle.

Not.

Look for the Union Label. Look hard.

video

Laugh or cry - your politics may vary.

Regardless, this TV spot is a fascinating look into the economics of 1978.

Still, if you "...look for the Union Label..." you probably won't find it.

Lyrics:

Look for the union label
when you are buying that coat, dress or blouse.

Remember somewhere our union's sewing,
our wages going to feed the kids, and run the house.

We work hard, but who's complaining?

Thanks to the I.L.G. we're paying our way!

So always look for the union label,
it says we're able to make it in the U.S.A.!

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

How the Other Half lives...



The photo above was taken at the Minneapolis Airport, Northwest gate G-10.

The doorway on the right is the jetway entrance, leading to the airplane.

Notice the red rug and the directional sign - if you're a Northwest Frequent Flier ("Elite"), you get to step on their logo. If you're a "General Boarder", you just get to get in the airplane.

Anyone out there able to confirm the rumor of red velvet toilet paper in First Class?

Friday, November 30, 2007

Wow II.



The above graphic is from the same 1954 Sears, Roebuck & Co. catalog that show the canned ladies below.

Here, attention is turned towards Men's Jammies.



Nostalgia is the devil's mirror - the golden, glorious America of the 1950's produced some of the weirdest STUFF in history. Maybe as a Newtonian backlash against the Depression and deprivation of WWII, consumers clamored for the goods...and here, in its bold form, were what Good Men of 1954 would wear to dreamland.

How's a respectable dad supposed to yell at his kids wearing THOSE?!

"I want this room cleaned up in FIVE MINUTES!"

"Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!"

"Honey, these kids won't listen to me!"

"You look like an inmate, dear..."

And their expressions - look at Dude #4. I can just hear him lisp to #3, "I was kinda thinkin' we'd stay up late tonight..play charades, maybe scare the girls...you know...can we?"



The above illustration is rather mysterious. if not unnerving - I believe it's supposed to show how these particular pajamas have reinforced crotches to last "2 1/2 times longer." Longer than...paper towels? Burlap?

Maybe crotch-seam failure was a big deal in 1954. Nevertheless, the importance of the illustration of two hands grabbing the insides of the poor guy's thighs is lost on me - apparently, Jammie Shoppers understood.

"Honey, well look here! Someone FINALLY got wise and added nylon reinforcement! I tell ya' if this forward-thinking keeps up, America will be on the moon by 1970!"

A second look at our Jammie Models makes me wonder if #3 isn't explaining the features of nylon reinforced seams to #4?



Lastly, perhaps the most bizarre aspect of this scan - the "Slack Pajamas" shown in the upper right. For the guy who combs his hair before bed, Slack Pajamas must make total sense.

Oh well. It's late and I have to hit the hay myself - but first, in 50's fashion, I'll style my hair, iron my pajama tops and make sure my seams haven't worn completely through.

More scans to come...

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Wow.




The above scan is from a 1954 Sears, Roebuck & Co. catalog.

Though the image is rather frightening, it's very real. In fact, back in '54, Sears sold enough to occupy FIFTEEN PAGES!!

These aren't little boutique-mailer pages - they're BIG HONKIN PAGES chock FULL of women bound up, swaddled, stretched, packed and shoved into these devices.

Women actually WORE these things?!

Fashion is nothing short of cruel - put your thumb over their heads and it's not hard to visualize the image as a space vehicle from Star Wars - they're like that biscuit dough that comes packed in a tube; a quick whack on the counter and the dough pops out the side with a kind of "PSsshhhk!" noise.

I bet a sudden seam failure could generate thrust!

Anyway, since there's a plethora of antique ads - real and Photoshopped - going through the Net right now, I thought I'd share some of the more interesting images from my own collection of old publications.

More to come - and if you think these cotton sausages are wild, just wait.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Speckles that Sparkle.



The above graphic is a scan of a pack of Orbitz® chewing gum.

The scan below is a detail.



Here's the deal - and this is straight from the box:

Chewing 2 pieces of Orbit White after eating and drinking helps: • remove stains and whiten teeth based on an 8-week clinical test"

Put aside that you have to eat this stuff 6+/day for 56 DAYS to experience the "help" in removing stains and whiten teeth.

Try to dismiss any mental images of what a "Melon Breeze" is like. (I'm seeing people running in terror under a hail of cantalopes - orange splats on concrete, people hiding under cars, window panes shattering...)

Ignore the quirky dance-move illustration that suggests you play basketball with the trashcan.

Focus on the mysterious two-words "...sparkling speckles."

Not mere speckles - SPARKLING speckles.

Just the other day, I was in the Speckle Aisle at the store, checking the list to make sure I got the right Speckles for the week and I didn't see any Sparkling Speckles. Of course, Orbit White might be buying all of them up - hoarding the precious supply to ensure exclusivity.

Bah...I can't go on. Too much cynicism makes me lose my shimmer.

Nevertheless, take the "sparkle" challenge yourself and look for those odd, mysterious bits of copy that promise so much but mean nothing.

It takes effort to write copy that truly sparkles, but not as much effort as 8 pieces of gum every day for nearly two months.

Or standing outside during a Melon Breeze.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

The Emperor's old clothes.



I found the graphic above at a flickr.com site...it's a jar of Video brand strawberry preserves. Don't laugh.

Names are important - in one glance, the name "says" who, what, why, when, how...pretty important stuff for a product to say.

Did "Video" mean electronic jelly? Preserves that were a conduit for moving images?

Or was the name merely the cynical spit of some cigar-chomping wiseguy - "We need sumthin' snappy! Somethin'the kids'n moms want...like that television thing. Video they call it. That's it! We'll name our jam VIDEO!"

Silly now...but that's the thing with fashion. It seems like a good idea at the time. Like naming a jar of preserves after the current wave of tech. Can you imagine "Bluetooth Jam"?

But even spot-on names & products can spawn the marketing dry-heaves...



"Honey, these hamburgers just taste...well, like barf. They need something..."

"Like a lift?"

"Yeah! A lift! These burgers need a LIFT!"

Wonder what would happen if someone tried to introduce such mysterious packaging NOWdays?! Don't bring up "Hamburger Helper" - that box is so full of copy, even a first-grader can discern the threat of eating dredge.

As much as I stand to profit from clients who want to design "new" and "improved" there's always that gnawing knowledge that someone CAN get it right the first time.

Wouldn't have any trouble picking Bayer® off the shelf today...and just as well.

Packaging circa 1955.

Friday, November 09, 2007

The Apocalypse has been delayed.



The above graphic is the splashpage for Batter Blaster - squirt-on pancake & waffle batter.

Sweet jiminy on a stove, human genius is alive!

I promise these guys aren't a client...they're not even buddies. They could be pod-people from Planet X but one thing is for sure - BATTER BLASTER MAKES SENSE!

"DAD DAD DAD DAD DAD MAKE PANCAKES PLEEEEEEEASE PLEEEASE PLLLEEEEEEAAASE!?!?"

"Oh man...didn't we just finally finish cleaning up from LAST YEAR?!"

No more giant bowls, powder, oil...or chipping dried batter off the floor. Just tip & spray...and flip when toasty brown.

All "Batter Blaster" has to do is taste good and they should have a hit. Blueberry, apple & cinammon, strawberry & bannana...I'm there already and I haven't even seen the stuff in real life!

PS - I called BB to make sure they were fer-real. They are. They're nice, too. From the sounds of things, they're a small company that's working hard to make a go. If you see BB, I hope you give it a try and even more, I hope it lives up to its promise.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

A photographer's last day at "Intuitive Surgical, Inc."



The photo above is from an article in a regional "guy" magazine - PRIME - that touts the latest advances in "robotic surgery" at a local hospital.

Do you see the quantum leap in medical technology?

Do you see the improved health & being of the patient?

Do you see the surgeon honing his/her already razor-sharp expertise?

Or...

Do you see a doctor with his head in an elephant's arse while the nurse spazzes around an empty gurney...?

Oh. Man.

It's one thing when your latest'n greatest tech is abstract and hard to photograph. It's another when the photographer simply gets everything wrong.

No offense to Prime Magazine - they're doing alittle advertorial using photography supplied by the robotic surgery machine's manufacturer, Intuitive Surgical, Inc.

"Intuitive Surgical,Inc." - seeing how they approve photoshoots, I'd change the word "Intuitive" to something more appropriate.

How about: "Gut-feeling Surgical, Inc."?

That leads to: "Butt-feeling Surgical"!

Oh man...the punchlines are coming fast now...

"At our hospital, it only LOOKS like the surgeons have their heads up their butts."

(rim-shot)

Bada-bing, bada boom.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Please stow the table in its upright locked position. And beg for mercy.



The above graphic is a screen-shot of a story on CNN.com regarding our nation's Airline Industry.

Evidently, NASA conducted a survey on the Airline Industry. Afterwards, NASA destroyed the data. According to the story, they did so with the same kind of zeal reserved for finding naked pictures of dear old grandma.

Quoting the story - "...senior NASA official, associate administrator,* (see note below) Thomas S. Luedtke, said revealing the findings could damage the public's confidence in airlines and affect airline profits."

Again - "...could damage the public's confidence in airlines and affect airline profits."

(insert dramatic pause)

WHAT?!?!

Sweet jiminey on a popsicle stick - what could be so bad that it would "damage our confidence" in an industry already bubbling in bancruptcy?!

Left to my own imagination, I'm conjuring images of 4th grader pilots, empty Jack Daniels bottles under the rudder pedals and angst-riddled flight attendants carving initials of jilted lovers onto their forearms.

But...perish that we - lowly CUSTOMERS - get our confidence shaken - what about the PROFITS?!!

As a gentle reminder to those younger than 35, Ford Motor Company made the strategic decision to pay out wrongful death lawsuits rather than recall its Pinto automobiles and make a $20 fix to the leaky gas tank.

"Let'em burn, Jenkins! You want to take the wife to Fiji this Christmas or not?!"

Click to learn about fried Pintos here

Bah.

*Then again, anyone who becomes a "senior official" and still has the title of Associate Administrator should be suspect.

Right?

Friday, October 05, 2007

Immediately.



immediately |iˈmēdē-itlē| adverb

1 at once; instantly : I called immediately for an ambulance.

2 without any intervening time or space : Let me know immediately she arrives.


If restoring our country's "standing" is so easy that the Clintons can do it immediately, George W should be able to get it done in...at the most...a day. Maybe two days. Three days, tops. No more than a week.

Possibly a month.

Ok, it could take a year.

Right?

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Vegetarians made me NUDE!



(prior post deleted because it wasn't that good)

Anyone else see the hypocrisy of PeTA using flesh to promote vegetarianism?

Adam: "Hey. Eve. Nice fig leaves."

Eve: "WHEN YOU TALK TO ME LOOK AT MY EYES YOU PIG!" (storms off)

Adam: (Indignant at being rebuffed) "Oh yeah?! Cuz you can't find a leaf big enough to cover your huge BUTT?!"

Eve: "I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU..." (voice trails off as Eve stomps away through the brush)

PeTA - FYI, we're all animals and in the jungle of advertising, you're losing your call.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

"Let me tell you about the very rich. They are different from you and me."*


The graphic above is a screen-shot of a cnn.com story on the new Lamborghini Reventon, a $1.4 million dollar "super car."

The Lambo Logo is a charging bull. Many of Lamborghini's cars are named after famous fighting bulls.

The "Reventon" is named after such a bull. A bull named "Reventon" that killed a famous bullfighter.

Don't know if Lamborghini uses Focus Groups, but this would have been a good time to invite other input into the marketing.

"Ok people. We're developing the ultimate super car and we're thinking of naming it Revington. What'dya think?!"

"What's that?"

"It's the name of a famous bull! You know...the bull that killed Felix Guzman?!"

"Oh cool! Maybe the Reventon will kill...oh, never mind."

Maybe Lambo thinks some danger and mystique will be added to their already lethal mixture of speed, public roads and "I want one!" hubris.

In that case, I suggest Ferrari one-up their competition with the "Quadrapalegia." They way they can say their car car isn't life threatening (at least).

What about...

The Chevrolet Corvette ICU?

The Porsche Carerra ER?

He he. Like my mom used to say, "It's all fun and games until some puts their eye out." Or, sends their eyes bouncing off a guardrail at 200mph.

*F. Scott Fitzgerald, from the book, The Great Gatsby

Friday, September 07, 2007

Doing the jobs we don't want to do?!


A sadvertising buddy discovered a potentially disturbing feature in a cnn.com broadcast of President Bush's 8.31 "mortgage crisis" speech - the unmistakable image of an alien peering through the window behind the President!

All Hail to our new Martian overlords?!

Actually, I think it's worse - the thing seems to be cleaning the glass!


(click graphic to enlarge view)

I sure hope the little feller is here "legal" and all - if not, we're gonna' need a bigger fence.

"Press 1 for English, Press 2 for Espanol. Press 3 for Reptarian."

I blame The Carpenters.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

The dis membered kids.



The ad above ran in last month's SELF magazine. I tore it out of a magazine at the health club. I asked permission and they said, "yes." Of course, if I were confronted by a sweaty, balding guy wanting to lift a peanut butter ad out of a woman's fashion mag, I'd say "yes" too. Just in case things got weird...

Anyway, this ad reflects what happens when the client is satisfied with a cliche-level understanding of their target market.

How do we know?

Is it the dismembered body parts?

Is it the 12 foot high Kung Fu kick?

Is it the 35 year old hands grafted superimposed onto a teenager's leg?

Is it the dumb-struck "0" goalie?

Or perhaps the pristine apple slice readied for immersion into a sculpted cup of JIF?

Nope.

It's the message - "You cram so much into your kid's day they have to gain sustenance while running."

"But mom's are so BUsy! We want to show moms JIF is portable and nutritious!"

This ad may well mark the end of the Harried Soccer Mom and Day Planner Kid. Today, moms/parents are sick of dinner on the run and minivans that smell like home. A recent MTV poll of tween & teens show kids have deep desire for more time with their families.

There are so many ways JIF could have gotten their message across - Mom having an impromptu picnic with her kids, Dad & Jr. enjoying a snack while fishing...

Instead, the ad serves as a reminder that activities are like sardines and time is the oil - pack'em in and try to keep from going bad.

JIF, your market wants meaningful relationships and encouragement on doing nature's toughest job - raising a family, well.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

At last, someone's telling it the way it is.


The above graphic is a screenshot from Foxnews.com - it shows the Hilton Hotels slogan, "Travel should take you places."

In the pursuit of Truth in Advertising, Hilton has raised the bar. It is indeed true...and physically impossible, to travel and not go any place. So yes, Travel should indeed take someone to "places."

Perhaps the rest of the business world should follow...

Ford: Automobiles should transport you places.

Applebees: Eating in places should reduce your hunger.

Levis: Wearing pants should keep you from getting kicked-out of places.

Nice to know some business is telling it like it is, eh?

OH! Did you catch the news story about that Idaho senator who was busted for indecent behavior while traveling through an airport?

Traveling took him someplace.

Looks like he should have just kept on traveling instead of stopping in the Minneapolis Airport bathrooms.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

If all you drive is a hammer, everything you see is a nail.



The graphic above is a frame-series from a "Flash" banner ad on Foxnews.com. The ad is a promo for the Suzuki XL7.

Suzuki's are excellent cars. Their warranty is arguably the best in the industry, their engines are strong and the cars are well built. No wonder the cars get good reviews. Having driven an XL7 recently, I agree - the car's a great ride.

But the advertising? Bizarre...why on earth would anyone want to illustrate the XL7 as a battering ram?! (See the Mercedes post below). On top of that, one of Suzuki's challenges is to elevate themselves beyond the micro-car/motorcycle status. Comparing the SUV-sized XL7 to an eeny-weenie NAIL?!

Suzuki's slogan is "Way of Life." Egads - I sure hope not.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

They're new! And small!



The above graphic is a scan of a header-card from a package of fireworks I bought over the 4th of July.

"Changrish" or "Engrish" - the poorly translated copy often found on Japanese and Chinese products is amusing - this label isn't the worst/best examper, but for some reason it struck me as funny.

New Small Bees. Not Old Gigantic Bees. New, SMALL bees.

Bees that are new! And small!

(yawn) - It's a slow Sadvertising day. I'm hopeful something better will turn up.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Ready...Aim...THROW!



The above image is from Yahoo.com - and supplied to Yahoo from the esteemed French News Service, "AFP."

The poor Iraqi woman is shown holding two bullets that "hit" her house following a "...coalition forces..." raid.

Two possibilities come to mind regarding this extremely telling piece of journalism:

One, the war in Iraq is officially lost. It appears our forces have lost their rifles and are resorting to throwing their bullets.

Two, the French haven't a clue on how guns operate.

(slaps forehead)

I need a vacation.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

It's a Mercedes! GET OUT OF THE WAY!


The graphic above is a screenshot of a CNN article that describes the crappy bumpers of Mercedes C-class cars. Evidently they don't survive car collisions very well.

Notice the reply of Mercedes - "...because its bumper is designed to minimize injuries to pedestrians struck by the car."

Is this the best excuse the PR Department could conjure up?!

"Werner, I really like what you've done with the C-class styling, but something seems wrong with that big bumper."

"Why's that, Mr. Benz?"

"Well, you know our customers are a lethal lot. Next thing you know, parking lots are going to be littered with the dead and maimed."

"Hmmm. I see what you mean. I'll lower the bumper. For the people."

"Good boy, Werner. And you know what?"

"What?!"

"We should put a couple vials of morphine in the glove box. You know - for the victims. Knee injuries hurt you know."

"God bless you, boss! I'm so glad we're looking out for everyone. Including our victims!"

"Tut-tut, Werner. They're our CUSTOMER'S victims. We just make the cars."

Together: (HA HA HA HA HA HA)


Note: Tonight, I had a beer with a C-class owner. He said he feels a lot more comfortable parking in busy shopping malls now.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Serial Kitty



The above graphic is a screen-shot from a Foxnews.com story about a cat that seems to "predict" impending death in nursing homes.

Good grief - I hope I'm not the only person who's seeing a demented coorrelation between CAT and DEATH.

Doctor: (standing in front of locked medicine cabinet, scratching chin) "Hmmmm. The Strychnine is all gone again. I wonder if someone has gotten their paws on that key we lost last year..."

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Wipe this.



The above graphic is a scan of a napkin taken from a Godfather's pizza restaurant.

The napkin contains an important message - a message so important, the company decided to print it on thousands of napkins!

Using the napkin itself, we can decipher the important message:

1. Big Shot has become such a problem for "da family" they need to spend a great deal of money to correct it.

2. The problem? Big Shot has let "da family" down by being piggish at the dinner table.

3. "da family" is dysfunctional, believing public insults to be the only way to get Big Shot to straighten up.

Who's "da family"? - well, presumably, The Godfather's restaurant company.

Who's "Big Shot"? - well, obviously a frequent customer.

Note to self: Don't mess around with "da family." In fact, you're better off steering clear altogether!


NOTE: A Sadvertising reader pointed out Godfather's "Gangster" shtick. Ya'know, the REAL Godfather would have just sent a couple heavies and beat the snot out of Big Shot.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

I'm sorry, honey, but since we made Pookie say "Yo Mama!"...



The above graphic is a combination of a scan from a piece of legalese that accompanied a "Baby I'm Yours" doll and its new owner.

"Baby I'm Yours" is a doll-brand marketed by Target department stores. The doll emits odd noises that are intended to simulate a typical human infant. In reality, it sounds like a bag of hungry kittens, but that's another subject.

Anyway, the circled wording reads:

Caution: changes or modifications not expressly approved by the party responsible for compliance could void the user's authority to operate the equipment.

Read again - "...could void the user's authority to operate..."

Wow. Little Jenna could have her authority to play with Pookie VOIDED if she did any messin' with the doll's voice chips.

SFX: KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

Muffled voice: Is this the home of Jenna Hanson?

Kid: DAD! There's a bunch of guys surrounding the house!

Dad: Close the curtains! Honey - get Pookie!

Mom: (hysterically) You mean...!?

Dad: I'm afraid so...since we programed Pookie to speak Swedish, Jenna's authority to play with Pookie is VOID!! (Looks wife into eyes and delivers an impassioned line) QUICK! FLUSH POOKIE!

Mom: (sobs as she runs down hall to scramble through Jenna's toy bin in time...)


Yeah, yeah, the flier is some off-the-shelf piece of legal salami, likely written a decade ago for some other product.

BUT Target® has the talent and passion to make sure their products aren't treated with such an off-hand manner. Business must realize these little details are important - they get passed around the birthday table, blogged by fifth-rate writers and ultimately, reflect on the precious reputation of the retailer.

But since they brought it up, I wonder if there's some way I can hack it to say something other than, "Mew!" "RarRarRarRar!" and "Murm"...

Monday, July 09, 2007

Forget the corner office - you want a Consol!



The ad above is from a 1940 edition of Flight - a British airplane magazine. Remember - in 1940, England was bombed by Germany as part of the Nazi's offensive plan for world domination.

Thankfully, "Constructors, Ltd" of Birmingham was there to make sure "KEY PERSONNEL" were protected with their Consol Shelter.

Presumably, at the first sign of enemy bombers, Key Personnel would don their insect costumes and enter the Consol, secure in knowing they were immune from raining death.

There's a certain humor to these nickel porta-potties - it's easy to imagine some highly valuable (Key) VP trundling into his Consol with the London Times under his arm and a cup of tea in hand.

But what happens to those who aren't "Key Personnel?"

Picture some upper-level wonk, figuring out who's "KEY" and who isn't: "Let's see - I have 25 Consols and 55 employees...Jenkins, I'm sorry, but you and the rest of Marketing will just have to run like hell."

Anyway, good tidings to you on this happy Monday and may you all be KEY PERSONNEL all week long!

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Cupcakes, Down Under



The graphic above is a scan taken from a circular flier for the Australian grocery store, "Coles."

Aside from the fact that the company has a lousy proofreader (can you find it?), the company ALSO has a lousy Art Director.

Or, worse, a comfortable familiarity with flies.

Thanks to the swell people at Geedos.com for their permission to link to the original post:
http://www.geedos.com/wordpress/?p=263

Friday, July 06, 2007

Down, Spot. Down.



Somewhere, some bone-headed art director is STILL laughing about "...the funniest photo shoot EVAR!"

Somewhere, some little old lady turned a corner at PetMart, looked up and went straight to ER.

Somewhere, some dog is gnawing on his Zanies™ Bone.

Right here, I feel a little uncomfortable looking at this package.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Yep. Gotta get me one.


The photo above is of the "Lil'Marc Potty Training Urinal for Boys."

Sweet jimminy! Do boys REALLY NEED to be TRAINED to pee in a urinal?!

Parent: "Dale, pee there. No, there. NOooOO...THERE! THERE! PEE THERE!! AAGGGH! YOU'RE NOT GOING TO APPLEBEES UNTIL YOU CAN PEE STRAIGHT!!"

According to the web site, there are "colorful reward stickers and helpful hints enclosed."

I hope those "reward stickers" are Chevy logos.

And the "hints"...? "DON'T MAKE EYE CONTACT WHILE TALKING AND USING LIL'MARC URINAL."

Monday, June 25, 2007

I, Expert.



The graphics in this post were taken from the Terro Ant Killer website. Pay attention to the blue-shirted dude in the lower right - he's The Expert.

But first...

Ants are awful. Granted, they don't have the horrible stigma associated with Black Widow spiders, Plague-carrying fleas or Killer bees. Instead, an ant infestation is a sign of more subtle pain - the pain of meaning: "Hello. This house has so much old food laying around, we decided to colonize!"

Before you get self-righteous, bear in mind that a child can whip a ketchup-soaked piece of hamburger bun across the room and into an unseen gap faster than an adult can blink. We try to get what we can, but sometimes even our expert skills miss the rolling Cheerio™ or bouncing Gummy Bear.

Our aim is hospital-clean. Sometimes we miss. Today, we have ants. Guilty.

BUT! That's why there's Terro! (cue harp music, angel sighs and clouds parting).

Anyway, I spent the night setting up Terro bait all over the house. As a person who prides himself on his desire to learn, I went to the Terro website to learn more about this miracle killer...and discovered the "The Expert."



That's the guy - The Expert. No name. No credentials. Just "The Expert." Maybe Terro is trying to give The Expert that aura of mystery - the kind of vibe reserved for hit men, illegal arms merchants and successful multi-level marketing people.

I just want to know why I should listen to him. Personally, the blue shirt, tie, premature gray, wide-spaced bushy eyes and Joker-mouth creep me out. But then again, he's an Expert in death. Millions, BILLIONS die by this guy's genius, every day.

Somewhere, in the recesses of my foundation (how do I know? I read it from THE EXPERT!), some poor little worker ant is puking boric acid, spending his last seconds of life - "Leave! (cough cough) Th'they...(puke!) brought in...(cough, gasp)...THE EXPERT!"

The other ants shudder in Terro (pun!) leaving behind our child-infested house.

"Honey, good news! I just found this LifeSaver stuck to the heat register! The last time the kids had LifeSavers was Halloween!"

"Any mandible marks on that ol'LifeSaver?"

"Not a one! It's as fresh as yesterday!"

"Ah, that's just great, dear! Isn't it great we have Terro?"

"No. Isn't it great, Terro has THE EXPERT?!"

die you little freaks...

Monday, June 11, 2007

Yeah it's "Breathtaking." And it might be your LAST!



The graphic above is a scan from Boys Life magazine featuring an ad for Cherokee, North Carolina.

Evidently, Cherokee, North Carolina is a place where people can learn about Cherokee culture - part tourist trap, part historical site...I'd go. But only after I'm sure it's safe.

The headline reads: "We hope you have your First Aid merit badge. Cherokee is quite breathtaking."

Hmmm.

'Don't know about this...I don't want to take my family some place that will require me or anyone else to say, "Boy! Am I glad I know first-aid!"

Oh, ok. I read the next line, "...Cherokee is quite breathtaking."

Ahh. Cherokee will take my breath away! As in...beauty, magnitude, awestruck-ness.

No, wait a minute...there's something else about that ad that doesn't seem right...maybe it's that mad fat guy slathered in red paint giving me the death-stare.

After a bit of thought, having one's "First Aid" merit badge is a little passive. If I go to Cherokee, North Carolina, I want a pistol permit.

Yeah, that'll make her cry alright.



The graphic above is a scan from the May 2007 edition of Parents® magazine - the topic, "Mother's Day Masterpiece" is part of a section dedicated to ways "Dads" can, "...give your wife a meaningful work of art...".

It's actually an advertorial ad for the photo service "mydavinci.com." What "mydavinci.com" does is alter uploaded photos to simulate a hand-painted/drawn piece of art.

Neat idea - perfect for people who don't have Photoshop skills or other expensive image-altering software.

But why did mydavinci.com choose a photo that rendered the perfectly fine-looking lady into Chucky - the knife wielding evil doll from the b-movie franchise?



Point #4 on the advertorial reads, "Get out the tissues. We swear this gift will make her cry."

Well DUH! She'll cry, then after she's shaken that off, she'll make Chucky seem as harmless as dryer lint.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

What's next?!



The graphic above is a screen-capture from the website of Sioux Falls, SD television station, KELO.

Crime of the week?

CRIME OF THE WEEK?!

So, in other words, this week's crime in Sioux Falls is Stencil Graffiti.

Or, this week's featured crime is: Stencil Graffiti.

Why, it's CRIME OF THE WEEK!

"Hey Gary. Watcha' doin?"

"Makin' meth. Wat'YOU doin?"

(shakes spray can) "Oh, gettin ready to do a little...STENCIL GRAFFITI!"

"Wow man! That's CRAZY! Can I do some too?!"

"Well DUH! Stencil Graffiti is CRIME OF THE WEEK!"

"NO WAY!"

"WAY!"

"Man, I'm putting my meth lab AWAY and gettin' out the Krylon!™"

"Just make sure you don't loose that ole' meth lab."

"Why, man?"

"'Cuz Meth Labs are Crime of the Week NEXT WEEK!"

"I AM SOOO THERE!"

"Last one to make a stencil is a rotten egg...!"

"Whoo hoo!!"

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Excited to hang up your coat?



The photo above is a product rumored to be marketed by 3M in Asia - they're coat hooks attached by a remarkable 3M adhesive.

Three animals come in the series - Frog, Cat and Bear.

Something about that ol'bear just ain't right.

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Focus on the Family - and the oncoming truck.



The graphic above is the cover envelope and insert for a Focus on The Family® direct mail piece. They're selling a magazine called "Focus on Your Child®. It's a magazine aimed at teaching parents how to build stronger families through learning Christian parenting.

That's all well and good, but someone should have clued the marketing department a little more...

Headline: Want to Enjoy the Journey?

Inside headline: Focus on Your Child® helps you make the most of your parenting years...what a gift to your children!

Maybe it's just me, but a homeless dad making his kid lug a suitcase into oncoming traffic just doesn't really say - "Enjoy the Journey".

It says "Amber Alert".

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Blinded by the Might




Caption: New Palestinian recruits of the Hamas security forces throw sand on their faces...

Hamas Drill Sergeant 1: Abdul, I've got this great new exercise!

Hamas Drill Sergeant 2: Really Akbar? Is it better than golf clubs to the crotch?

Hamas Drill Sergeant 1: Way better!

Hamas Drill Sergeant 2: Better than sucking on wasps?!

Hamas Drill Sergeant 1: Duh!

Hamas Drill Sergeant 2: Better than "Hold Your Pee With A Vice Grip"?!

Hamas Drill Sergeant 1: Oh yeah! And unlike the aforementioned techniques, this one uses materials already in abundance!

Hamas Drill Sergeant 2: Whoo Hoo! If we don't need a P.O., we can get it in place immediately!

Hamas Drill Sergeant 1: It sooo genius - it's...