Sunday, April 26, 2009

Forced sterility.

The photo above is of a pack of Eclipse cinnamon mints my daughter insisted upon at the grocery store. It was only after we got in the car that I noticed it contained the same promise as Lysol® disinfectant - notice the arced type, "Natural Germ Killing".

Sweet Jimminy - ten years ago, I predicted little pills that would turn human flatulence into wafts scented with designer fragrances. "Honey, did you start wearing Chanel No.5?"

But never did I figure that Modern Marketing™ would figure on "germ killing" as a product attribute for a checkout aisle breath mint. Yeah, yeah - halitosis is caused by bacteria. But any 13 year old will tell you that the human body is rife with lil'critters and short of cremation, the condition can't be helped.

But (and there's always a 'But' at the end) the "germ killing" power of new Eclipse mints is Natural, as opposed to UNnatural, which would be more like gargling with napalm.*

I hope the jump from "anti bacterial" to foodstuffs stops at Eclipse mints. But, we'll know we're in for the long haul when Jack Daniels comes with a sticker that says, "Kills germs on contact!"

*Ok, everything is technically Natural. Napalm is solidly comprised of organic compounds and could therefore be legitimately marketed as natural.

100% Natural Germ Killing Napalm - Sounds nice, doesn't it?

UPDATE:  Wait.  Swine Flu is a "Germ".  Let the hoarding begin - these little suckers might end up being $100 a tin if things get worse!

Friday, April 24, 2009

If you make a claim, be the KING.

The photo above was provided by a Sadvertising reader (x'd to protect his innocence). He discovered the KISS restaurant CHAIN while on holiday in the Phillipines.

On a purely serious, erudite and academic note, the developing world is full of quirky misuse of the Universal and Omniscient Language of English. Though asking for "Flied Lice" at a Chinese restaurant will likely always be hugely funny, stuff like "KISS - King of Balls" is...well, I wouldn't be surprised if the chain is owned by some Harvard MBA who fancies him/herself a whiz at branding.

"Funny. (yawn, take the pic). Let's go to McDonalds."

What I don't get is the logo. Something about that asymmetric crown didn't make sense until I tilted... those aren't balls that have been kissed - they're balls that have been SMACKED!

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Bureaucracy. Suddenly EVERYONE wants one.

The above photo is of my kids' toothbrush. It's a parting gift after paying the dentist seven gajillion dollars to remove two teeth.

I shouldn't complain - the toothbrush was "free" and all that. But the imprinting is nothing less than weird.

"From Your District Dental Society."

Oh yeah! MY District Dental Society! And not just the local chapter or some rank-and-file member, but the District!

'Been wonderin' just what in Hades they were up to - lying low, sifting plans, waiting for the right time to make their move...

Suddenly, it seems that every governing body out there has been flexing muscle, showing their teeth. I'm going to watch this "District Dental Society" a little closer. Today the Toothbrush, Tomorrow, white-coated Commissars in every neighborhood "encouraging" us to keep our appointments...

In the meantime, I wish I could remember the name of that dentist who took my last seven gajillion dollars.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Kids are different today.

The above ad is from a 1943 edition of Popular Science magazine. It's for "Douglas Shoes - America's Best Known Shoes."

Those were the days, eh?

Here's the headline: A Little Boy's Dream Came True

Here's the inset copy: "When he was only 7 years old, William L. Douglas was "bound out" to his uncle, a shoe maker. Day after day, he pegged shoes in a shadowy attic. It was hard, technical work but he stuck to it..."

Stop there. I think the copywriter was intending to draw the reader into young Douglas's plight and pluck. Sweet jiminy! Is that how it worked back then!? Today, American 7 year olds sure aren't worrying about qualities of Perseverance or Work Ethic. Gawd love'em, but my kids think the attic is for Christmas decorations, not "being bound out."

No, little Douglas was Enterprise personafied. In a "shadowy attic" no less! We all know that great things start in Shadowy Attics by "bound out" grade schoolers. Right now, I'm looking at my Florsheims and wondering what Mr. Florsheim did to earn HIS cred. Maybe he killed cows for their hides with a hammer. At age 4.

Oh well. That was 1943. Things were different. Back then, any self-respecting toddler had a job, you got your vitamins from eating grass, your minerals from sucking on nails. Today? If little Douglas was forced to be whacking shoes in an attic, his uncle would be in jail and his aunt would be on Oprah.


Anyway, Googled® the key words: "child labor shoes" and found this pic. Looks like the next Nike or Rockport might be hard at work in India.

OMG! (slaps forehead). And they're taking American jobs, too! I'm gonna march right home now, rip the Wii controllers out of their chubby little fingers and lock'em in the attic - "Daddy needs new shoes!"

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Quiznos. The Butt of your joke.

The above ad is from Quiznos promoting a new sandwich.

Cutting to the chase, the ad centers around a male oven that has some sort of sex with a sandwich and male employee.

This kind of advertising is sad...and points to de-evolution. 1,000,000,000 years from now, our descendants will be gigantic sex organs that speak by farting.

Sometimes, I hate the advertising industry. Absolutely hate it.

PS - To the Quizno's media team. Don't even think about calling this post "vibe" and put it into a report for the client. It's called "vile" and though people are "ROTFL!-ing", your client is getting its fanny waxed by competitors who focus on the product and service.

Monday, April 06, 2009

"Not like that, you're not!"

Well. The graphic above is a screenshot of the website "" - a Chinese ecommerce site. Specifically, the item for sale is - ah'hem - the "Spring 2009 Column Sweetheart Asymmetrical Satin Prom/Evening Dress." Sure. Go ahead - click to enlarge.

I call it "SLEAZE." My wife calls it, "Oh. No." A doctor might call it an STD.

But then again, check out "Column Halter Sweep Train Taffeta Prom/Evening Dress" below.

I call it "Flatulence." My kids? (If I ever let them look at this post) will likely call it, "Eeeewww!"

Both dresses stink.

You know, when my daughter gets to Prom, I'm having her go in a Hefty® leaf bag stuffed with packing peanuts and braced with chicken wire.

UPDATE: A Sadvertising reader has discovered that the site has updated their photo.