Thursday, July 24, 2008

Change stinks.

I'm apolitical.  But "Promised Land" marketing is juvenile.  Obama may well end up being a great President. But Red Herrings always smell fishy, including the putrefied "Change" mantra.  

Why doesn't someone just go for the bulls-eye with:  "Cheap Gas"?

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Damn! She needs a jacket!

The graphics above and below come from a web-ad on  The ad links to a dating site called "Together Christian."

You have to hand it to these people - they're smart enough to use religion AND sex to promote their stuff.* 

However, aside from the especially "spirited" young woman (look closely, you'll also see that she may have been a tad chilly during the photo shoot), the ad features a big red button that announces "CHRISTIANS JOIN FOR FREE."

So, Muslims would be charged what...?  $50?  Buddhists, I figure...$35.  Satanists would be charged an arm and a leg.  Atheists should be the ones getting in for free...

Bru-ther.  I guess it doesn't take Class to be a web marketer.  Judging (he he...I wrote 'judging'!) by the strangely irrelevant Bible verse at the bottom of the home page, it also doesn't take any understanding of the phrase "target market" either.

Nevertheless, it's nice to know that Christians who like blond women with big boobs can find them for free.  Reading Matthew 5:28 is also free, especially if you're in a hotel room (thanks to the Gideons). 

*Bet this site is nothing more than a data generator for a web-marketing company.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

I guess it IS that bad.

The above graphic is a screenshot from

What. A. Photo.  

Possible captions:

"And ah'saaay to the ECONOMY...BE HEALED!  BE HEALED!"

or the obvious,


Pasty skin?  Check.

Expression of horror?  Check.

Raised hand of defense?  Check.

Look of imminent threat?  Check.

Egads.  You know when the media starts releasing photos like that, it's all over.

Saturday, July 12, 2008


The graphic above is an ad for "Sean John Fragrances" perfume, "Unforgivable Woman."

If anyone buys into the Creative Director's attempt to bring us into Sean John's passion-steamed world, they should be slapped with a dead bass and splashed with warm Mello Yello.

First, who on earth wants an "Unforgivable Woman"?! When people think of Unforgivable Women, images of smoky pistols, red light districts and wrecked pride & joy sports cars come to mind. "You took my Porsche and did what?!?!"

Secondly, the image is awful. Either Sean John is getting ready to read that "lady's" Miranda Warning or he's going to standing in a police line up later that week.

Yeah, yeah...we get the vibe, but like a bar date's allure at 8am the next morning, Perception collides Reality and the result is big Splat. Perfume/Cologne ads are typically an agency's dream. But Creative this childish and this deluded is truly unforgivable. Ick.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Lucky moms...

The graphic above is a scan from a 1953 edition of Life Magazine.  The advertisement is for a toothpaste called "Ipana."  Sweet jiminy, I'm glad I grew up in the 70's because if this stuff would have been around for my flouride-weakened system, my mouth would look like a spent smoke bomb.

But these are 50's people - wholesome, optimistic, plucky, tough...and so grateful, they feel downright LUCKY to get a toothpaste that's both Ammoniated AND Chlorophyl'd.

Read the's LUCKY to have such a toothpaste. I can imagine her pushing through Health & Beauty aisle, downcast because of the dearth of truly effective toothpastes...then coming upon Ipana A.C...and breaking down, sobs, beams of joy, maybe a hug for the stocking clerk..overwhelmed by LUCK.

Mom should also be "Lucky" that Ipana didn't turn her kid's mouths into shredded meat - the stuff's POWERFUL!  Just check out the illustration below.  The shot on the left is over 1,000,000 Lactobacilli bacteria. Yeah, you're probably thinking, "I wouldn't be caught dead in a room with 10 Lactobacilli let alone a million!" But, let's say this nightmare comes true - a tube, maybe a squirt, probably just a whiff, will sanitize like a blowtorch on porcelain.

However, the detail below is a little more sinister than the wholesale slaughter of millions. I bet the second after the camera shutter clicked, that device stuck to her cheek let out a big ol'BZZZT! and the poor gal clunked sideways, her hands tied behind the chair...

"Miss Jenkins, we hope now that you take our corporate Halitosis Policy seriously."

Hmmm. Maybe there's good reason the mom in the ad was feeling Lucky?! "Oh children, your breath smells just lovely..." (ding dong) "Bad Breath Police." "Oh, do come in...." (sniff sniff) "Great smelling breath, kids - no punishment today...Keep up the good work, Mrs. Burbank." (door slams as the Breath Police make their way to the next house; all cheer knowing that smart, LUCKY Mom has saved them from another horrible round of electro therapy.)

Oh well. Not only does Ipana AC beat the bacteria, it's also Certified by the American Institute of Laundering. Of Laundering. Yes, of Laundering. But I shouldn't sound so self-righteous, evidently other GREEN toothpastes stained washbowls, tooth brushes, towels, nighties...right now, I've got images of these 50's kids, running around the house, hopped up on Howdy Doody, foaming with green drool, leaving minty stains wherever they touch, spit...

Ya know...that family is lucky to have teeth at all.

Saturday, July 05, 2008

Miss Nadine! Miss Nadine! Let down your hair!

The above scan is of the side-panel of a bag of Qik Joe charcoal briquettes.

Without a DOUBT, Qik Joe is the easiest charcoal to light. Bar. None.

However, as wonderful as Qik Joe happens to be, it appears Miss Nadine isn't so fortunate. If the illustration is at all accurate, there's no wonder why Miss Nadine is a "Miss." She's what we call around here, "Butt ugly."

And, again, judging by the illustration alone, she appears to have stolen clothing from her toddler nephew.

"Where's Timmy's adorable sailor outfit!? It was here a moment ago...NADINE?! GET IN HERE THIS INSTANT!"

Well, and one more observation of Miss Nadine. She's not much of a gourmet. "Scrub skins of potatoes. Wrap in household foil. Place on hot coals. Bake for one hour." Result: Hot potato. Want some Hot Potato? Yay! We're going over to Miss Nadine's for Hot Potato!

Glorious, wonderful, flavorful Hot Potato! From Miss Nadine!

Geez. Add a little butter. Or salt. Or pepper. Or maybe...ALL OF 'EM! The guests won't know what hit'em. Hope they've got a good lock on their kids' wardrobes, though.

Gee whiz, Qik. If Miss Nadine is worth a three-color print job, she's worth a decent illustration.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Here. You need a drink.

The graphic above is from the English magrag "The Sun." It's a picture of a chicken head allegedly found in a bag of frozen chicken WINGS. (pause here to contemplate the next cheap-food to emerge on the bar-scene: Hot Heads! You know, to replace Hot Wings?!?)

Accidents happen in the food business. I know from the time a mouse ran up and grabbed a piece of sausage from a customer's pizza...or the time someone decided to clean the dough roller "after all these years" and found a colony of wire worms...

ANYWAY, what a fascinating display of Customer Service on the part of the grocery chain that sold the bag of Hot, Hot Wings. They gave the customer BOOZE!

"Egads, man! That's gross! You need a drink!"

Asda's leadership is practicing empathy at an unprecedented level. In my case, I'd probably have preferred they give me a free carpet cleaning and some antacid, but frankly, a stiff belt to calm me down is pretty darned clever.