Saturday, February 25, 2012

Is Brawny Mitt Romney? (say it fast! It's fun!)

I didn't ask the question, but once posed, I think you can understand why it became the most compelling  command of the past :15 seconds.

"Is Mitt Romney the Brawny Man!?"

Or, stated in a much more lyrical fashion,

"Is Brawny Mitt Romney?"

Well, as you can see, I tried to find out.  And the result was...a waste of time.  Thank you, Sadvertising reader.  I'll never get those 15 seconds back.

However, if "Is Brawny Mitt Romney?" turns into a campaign slogan, he better pony-up with the cash or else my lawsuit is gonna' leave Mitt's bank account a bit SCRAWNY.

Anyway, this all brings up an interesting point -  "What happened to the other Brawny guys?!"

Well, I bet Left Brawny's still there, workin' on the Camaro, helpin' Karen at the grocery store once'n'awhile...

Right Brawny, on the other hand, prolly left the forest to open up that "fun dance club with a Tapas Bar and a Ricky Martin lookalike contest!" that Left Brawny was always a little creeped out about hearing.

"Look dude.  I don't own any cutoffs and I'm not going to make any cutoffs cuz I'm not going to wear any cutoffs.  Now just shut up and cut wood!"

Monday, February 20, 2012

The Google has spoken - let the Hoarding begin!

The article above is from the Chicago Trib - it announces Mars (Candy Bars) intent to discontinue their king-size bars and replace them with smaller ones maxed at 250calories.   Ostensibly, it's part of Mars' "commitment to health."  

More likely, it's a fear of rising ingredient costs and a vision of a future where anyone with a BMI greater than 24 needs permission from their health-insurance carrier before buying a candy bar.

Whatever.  I smoke cigars and welcome my new hand-to-mouth friends into the Ring of Persecution.

Anyway, the point here is to look at the Google ad that popped up when the algorithm of Message met Monetization.

Did the Google God tip its hand?

Clearly this is cause for concern - no, depression!  But for whom??  For the sugar-jacks who will soon have to buy TWO Mars Bars instead of one?  For the money traders who know the Chocolate Index as the true indicator of economic health?

Or the Priests of Psych who sit upon the truth - that, "These (3) signs of Depression Are A Clear Sign of Depression."

It's coming people.  It's coming...

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Don't type with your mouthful.

The bag of crunchy somethings above is from HyVee - a midwestern grocery store chain.

Let's see.

They got Tostados - bite size, white and yellow ones.  Nice for decorating, I bet.

They got Tortilla chips, too.  Ranch, Nacho and "Restaurant Style 100% White Corn." Hmmm.  They're right.  I've never, ever seen Ranch or Nacho chips at a self-respecting restaurant.  (make mental note of this Quality Indicator).

And, they got Corn Chips.  Just Corn Chips.  Your basic Chips of Corn.   Nothing more, nothing less.

Up until now, I was tracking along the Brand.  But suddenly, someone found the Can of Adjectives and had a PARTY!

Get a mouthful of these names -

Cheese-Eze Puffed Cheese Flavored Corn Snack
Krunch-Eze Crunchy Cheese Flavored Fried Corn Snack
Butter Flavored Pop Fresh Baked Corn Pops
Cheese Flavored Pop Fresh Baked Corn Pops
Cheese Balls Backed Cheese Flavored Corn Snack

"Bill, I think I've got it!  We should call them Cheese Eze Cheese Puffed Corn Flavored Snacks!"

"We can't, Tom.  Just got back from Legal, Tom  It turns out that's trademarked."

"Dangit!  All the good names are TAKEN!"

These are the most bizarre names I've seen in a while.  And how are kids supposed to get addicted to salty snacks with names that require a cheat sheet?!"

"Mo-om, could you get some Cheese Eze Crunchy Punchy Funchy Grunch..."

"Spit it out, honey..."


"Pringles.  I want Pringles."