Monday, June 25, 2007

I, Expert.

The graphics in this post were taken from the Terro Ant Killer website. Pay attention to the blue-shirted dude in the lower right - he's The Expert.

But first...

Ants are awful. Granted, they don't have the horrible stigma associated with Black Widow spiders, Plague-carrying fleas or Killer bees. Instead, an ant infestation is a sign of more subtle pain - the pain of meaning: "Hello. This house has so much old food laying around, we decided to colonize!"

Before you get self-righteous, bear in mind that a child can whip a ketchup-soaked piece of hamburger bun across the room and into an unseen gap faster than an adult can blink. We try to get what we can, but sometimes even our expert skills miss the rolling Cheerio™ or bouncing Gummy Bear.

Our aim is hospital-clean. Sometimes we miss. Today, we have ants. Guilty.

BUT! That's why there's Terro! (cue harp music, angel sighs and clouds parting).

Anyway, I spent the night setting up Terro bait all over the house. As a person who prides himself on his desire to learn, I went to the Terro website to learn more about this miracle killer...and discovered the "The Expert."

That's the guy - The Expert. No name. No credentials. Just "The Expert." Maybe Terro is trying to give The Expert that aura of mystery - the kind of vibe reserved for hit men, illegal arms merchants and successful multi-level marketing people.

I just want to know why I should listen to him. Personally, the blue shirt, tie, premature gray, wide-spaced bushy eyes and Joker-mouth creep me out. But then again, he's an Expert in death. Millions, BILLIONS die by this guy's genius, every day.

Somewhere, in the recesses of my foundation (how do I know? I read it from THE EXPERT!), some poor little worker ant is puking boric acid, spending his last seconds of life - "Leave! (cough cough) Th'they...(puke!) brought in...(cough, gasp)...THE EXPERT!"

The other ants shudder in Terro (pun!) leaving behind our child-infested house.

"Honey, good news! I just found this LifeSaver stuck to the heat register! The last time the kids had LifeSavers was Halloween!"

"Any mandible marks on that ol'LifeSaver?"

"Not a one! It's as fresh as yesterday!"

"Ah, that's just great, dear! Isn't it great we have Terro?"

"No. Isn't it great, Terro has THE EXPERT?!"

die you little freaks...