Just in the nick of time, too.
See, I'd been slouched on the curb tracing words of despair on the concrete with an empty bottle of Sailor Jerry. My utter lack of faith in the promise of Marketing Goodness had finally spent itself in an unholy Saturday afternoon drunk.
"Wee goddaa yoosh our forshes for GOOD!" I cried (so they tell me). "Frr'GOOD! Nnnoot...nnot... nott EBIL..frrGOOD!"
Just as I started to fall backward under Morpheus' mocking blow, a child - a precious, innocent child presented the above to me. "Don't give up hope Mr. Sadvertising. I give to you a sign!"
There, blocking out the damning rays of sun, was the child's sweet visage and the above scanned coupon. "Read. It is good."
See...here's the deal - buy a load of high caloric sugary sludge from Taco Johns and you can get HEALTHY LIVING TIPS! YES!! HEALTHY. LIVING. TIPS!
"Ha. Ha." you say, smirking at the obvious irony (most people here are NPR listeners, so irony is like daily bread to them).
NO! This isn't a myopic mistake of a Regional Assistant Field Marketing Assistant. It's the work of a Brilliant Mind and utter leadership to take control of the masses and bring them to the Promised Land.
See, the fatties who splurge on the Combo Meals don't read past the offer. They're too focused on the promise of more food. So when they TXT the code, in expectance of a free Mega-whatever, Ka-POW! They're hit with the surprise attack of truth!
Real...healthy...living...tips!
(slurp - nom nom nom nom) "Ok lookit. Here comes our offer! I bet it's a double combo upgrade! Ok! Here it is! It says, Go for a walk in the park and ...eat an apple..?!."
(slurp - crunch, crunch) "What's'n apple momma?"
FX: Cue sunlight splits the Taco Johns roof, cue Handel's Messiah, pink-cheeked (but muscular) Cherubs descend and a vision of the fatties in their slim, trim form jogging atop a tree lined bicycle trail plays).
GOTCHA! And this time, FOR GOOD!
Ha. I knew we had it in us. All this time, I just knew that - when united for a cause, just like in WW2 - we masters of propaganda could use our power to the beneficence of everyone. We can do it!
And Thank You Pepsi, Taco Johns, for taking the lead in providing Healthy Living Tips with every meal. You sly devils you... :)
Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to write I go... (whistles, a little lift in my step). Zippidty doo dah!
