Saturday, February 13, 2010

You say Bologna, I say Ralph.

The scan above is an ad for Oscar Mayer Bologna.  "Beef" bologna to be precise.

Ahh. Bologna. The first true, authentic "Mystery Meat."  What gives bologna its pinkish, gelatinish, meat-like substance?  Or the ability to remain fresh months, years...decades after being exposed to the elements?

You don't know, do you!  Ha.  Me neither.

Back in my latch-key days, buddy Dave proclaimed, "Hey!  I can make boloney taste good!"  Of course, being 12 and fascinated with things like UFO's, Bigfoot and other impossibles, said, "WOW!" And, he showed me.

His secret?  Fry it!  Dave flapped down a slice of the stuff on a hot frying pan - SSSSS!  The fat bubbled off and left behind a maroon disk about the size of a can of chewing tobacco. was good!  Yum, yum - we went through the whole pack.  Sssss!  Gulp, ad nauseum.

We were 12, young and still thought flatulence was funny.   But just because we were dolts didn't mean we were stupid.  See, had we seen the slogan, "It doesn't get better than this" even in our juvenile minds, we would have smelled "Bull."

Does Oscar Mayer really think this ad will take parents back to the Good Old Days?!  And the body-copy:  "Our bologna has 75% less sugar than a PB&J (provided the Bologna sandwich is made w/Fat-Free Mayo*)" is about six inches away from Budweiser launching an ad campaign that claims "Days begin with Carbohydrates!"

But, the goofy headline wasn't what caught my eye.

It was the kid puking in the bag.

Psssst.  Mom.  You have to fry the hell out of it first.

*Yeah, like any kid is going to think, "Yay!  Mom made my sandwich with fat-free mayonnaise again!  Maybe that's why he's throwing up?"