Sunday, February 05, 2006

Dove® Promises (part 2)

***If you work for Dove chocolates, read the post below this first. THIS post is for a handful of readers who were less-than-impressed with the "academic" nature of the critique against Dove's® goofy chocolate wrappers. They wanted dirt. And dirt is what they shall get.

That being stated...

The above graphic is a scan of four Dove® dark-chocolate wrappers. Inside each wrapper is a saying intended to illicit some kind of a response from Dove chocolate customers.

Egads. I sure hope Dove® chocolate customers are smarter than average, because these sayings amount to nothing but bad advice. Baaad advice - as in, this is the kind of stuff 13 year old girls pen in the back of their Jr. High Annuals.

Here they are...

1. When two hearts race, both win.

No, when two hearts race, both do NOT win - at least the odds are good that one will lose. I had a buddy in college get a girl pregnant. Enough said.

2. Be mischievious. It feels good.

Being "mischievious" may indeed feel good, but what's the point of feeling good when a cop is walking up to your window with his hand on his Glock and the other forming a leather-gloved pointer? Then again, maybe Dove® is talking about farting in some else's office that case, it's still bad advice as farting is not so much mischevious as it is plain ole'rude.

3. Love without rules.

WTH?!?! "Love without Rules" may work in the insect kingdom, but not with people. Start taking out all of the "rules" of Love like commitment, honor, respect and selflessness and you pretty much end up with that scene in Fatal Attraction where the psycho woman kills the family rabbit and... ah, why am I even argueing this point?! This was definitely written by the Patchouli & Hemp set that names their "love children" after radioactive elements and fruit.

4. Wink at someone driving past today.

"Hey! Bubba! Wake up! See that there ol'Suburban back there? She done WEENK at me! Ah'swair! Ah'm gunna slow down some..."

Wink at someone on the road?! Only if you can steer with one hand and shoot with the other.

Again, in all seriousness, these wrappers could have been done so much better - to feature the excellent product, reinforce the ocassion - without the juvenile platitudes.

Nevertheless, I've scarfed down 6 of those delicious dark chocolates today and they could have been wrapped in cat hair for all I care - they taste great!