Sunday, April 24, 2005
The wonderous Quickee Dawg™!
[FROM WILY'S HUGE COLLECTION OF JUNKIE STUFF HAWKED IN AIRLINE SEAT-POCKET CATALOGS]
Can you believe it?! That unique, unsatisfying taste of a meat-like hotdog heated on metal rollers for 72 hours - ANY TIME!
You don't have to go to a convenience store or a high school basketball game, ANY MORE!
Awful idea. Awful, awful, awful idea.
In case you're from the class that's wondering what's going on, here's the scoop -
Sometimes - and I swear this is true - convenience stores buy these "rotisserie" machines to cook hotdogs. Drunk college kids buy them.
Anyway, the rollers are super-heated, and raw (are the ever REALLY raw?) hotdogs are placed on the rollers and - over time - the hotdawgs are heated to a kind of warmth.
It's disturbing - brown, shriveled meat tubes rolling and rolling (forever rolling!), the bzzwhooozzzbzzwhooozbzzwhooz of the electric motor...sometimes, a wiff of hickory smoke. Sometimes the "zzhat!" of a drop of grease hitting a heating element.
No one buys them, so they just roll and roll and roll...until...well, 3am Friday night rolls around or, well...Armagedon, I guess.
Ok. I'm exagerating. Ok, let's call it...96 hours. Give or take.
But, that's not all - this ad promises to "Grill the perfect hotdog every time without greasy frying pans."
Uh...psst. Grills are grills. Frying pans are frying pans. If yer fryin', ya'ain't grillin.'
These hotdogs aren't fried OR grilled. They're HEAT ROLLED!
But then again, this was thunk-up by people who actually like this kind of hotdog.
"Hey Gary (the head engineer). You got any gum?"
"Sure" (digs a pencil eraser out of front pocket)
"Uh. That's not gum. It's a pencil eraser."
"Gee! You're picky!"
Hmmmm. That was a little mean. Alright, Gary's not THAT obtuse.
Gary - could you put that ol'thinkin'noggin' to work on figer'in how I can have Squirrel on a Skewer like me'n Chig used to get at the County Fair?