Things that make you go, "Uh...uh-oh."

The above ad was scanned from my collection of old print ads - it's an ad for a toilet that "flushes up."

It had to have been an exciting time for Old Man McPherson when his imagination fertilized the idea that toilets could be unplugged from the forces of gravity.

It had to have been especially thrilling to witness the first success - oh man, you KNOW people were happy when the test sample went up, up and finally, away... Especially Mrs. McPherson!!

And when those first ads hit - the powerful surge of human affirmation must have been spine-tingling: "Honey! Look'it this ad! See?! Someone's actually gone and done it! Now we can finish that basement!"

And soon, handy-man dads were proudly explaining to their families, "...and then, the bad stuff goes up this pipe, high up over our heads...," while Mom and the kids anxiously eyed the path of the black pipe up, up and up, instinctively backing away...

Here's to you, Mr. McPherson - (toast). To great ideas, to bold vision and to the vain attempts at harnessing nature.

Napalm of the Vanities

The graphic above is a screenshot from the website of The Telegraph.

The headline reads: "Amoured suits are 'too goofy' say US troops"

It's one step away from, "Camo makes our butts look big!"



I don't believe The Telegraph sourced actual U.S. Army soldiers. The soldiers that Wily knows know the difference between being a fashion victim and a victim of enemy fire. They'd all choose "goofy" over "bloody" any day of the week.

It Came From the BOG!!

(UPDATE 5-19-06: A sadvertising reader has pointed out that Wisconsin produces more cranberries than the northeast. I hope that my mention of the Northeast did not lead any other sadvertising readers to overlook the value of Wisconsin. Without Wisconsin, not only would we suffer from a loss in cranberries but Minnesota would also tip over, spilling thousands of Minnesotans into Iowa, Illinois and Lake Michigan.)

The above graphic is from the back label of a bottle of Ocean Spray Cranberry Juice.

Cranberry Juice is great and Ocean Spray is the undisputed ruler of the market. About the only thing they could ever do to screw up their business is to replace cranberries with cat pee.

Anyway, you have to wonder about that last line on the label - whenever you see a trademark symbol, (™), you know it's important enough to get the lawyers involved.

"Straight from the Bog!"™

WHAT?!

Instantly, my fond memories of sparkling, tart cranberry juice cascading down levels of clinking ice is replaced with one of fetid biological muck and rubber waders. At least that's what comes to mind when I think of, "Straight from the Bog!"

"Cranberry bogs" are a Northeastern thing and usually not-at-all unsightly or gross. But to the rest of the country who grew up on late-night horror TV, "Bogs" are places where teenagers get eaten by fish-beasts.

That probably explains why "Straight from the Bog!" is on the back label and in small print. I can well imagine one of Ocean Spray's founders getting glassy-eyed and emotional talking about 'the bogs' that fostered his fortune. He probably insisted on the trademark. But as a marketing word, "Bog" is blech. That's why it's not on the front of the label, in bold print.

Ocean Spray makes delicious juice - from rich New England fields, morning mists that blanket the berries with pure dew...and acres husbanded by generations of wholesome, hardy folk who always tell the truth, make their own furniture and smile with the radiant glow that comes from years of tingly cranberry juice.

Not bogs.

Ah'dun drah'v a Duhhhdge!

The above graphic is from Dodge's website - it's promoting their new vehicle, the "Charger."

"Attitude d'jour" graphics, interactivity, compelling product - what more could this website need?

Oh, well of course! It needs a computer! Or, "broadband." Either one will do.

Got "broadband"? Good! Then you can see the snazzy "Flash" presentation. But if you don't have broadband, Dodge recommends that you use a computer to view less complicated graphics.

Wait - don't have a computer? Then this website won't work.

Either Dodge knows something about its customer's intelligence or it doesn't have a clue about its customer's intelligence.


PS - maybe it's me, but it sure looks like that Dodge Charger is leaking transmission fluid and oil all over the web site. But, what do I know? I'm not a Dodge customer.

(whew!)

Wiierd.

POST DELETED - I WaaS WaaY WrrONG ON THE Wii.

Brother, can you spare a quarter?

The above graphic is the design chosen for South Dakota's commemorative quarter.

The Commemorative Quarter program is extremely cool. It promotes interest in our currency, fertilizes state pride, enlivens history, gives something for coin collectors to get excited about.

However, a sadvertising reader made a commentary on the coin program's design-work as, "...poorly conceptualized and embarrassingly crude, almost childish in excecution." Strong words, but unfortunately, he's got a point or two.

Take the South Dakota coin above. Appreciating the challenges of reproducing figures in metal relief, I'm sure the artist could give Thomas a little more mouth definition. Right now, it looks like he's getting ready to blow puke down the hill.



The Connecticut "Charter Oak" is rather stark - those who don't know the history of Connecticut's "Charter Oak", are left with only one assumption - the most notable thing about Connecticut is a dead tree.

Florida's coin is rather mysterious - old ship arrives, lands on the beach, then a spaceship leaves. Remember the movie Cocoon where all the old people get whisked off a retirement community by a UFO? According to the coin, Florida might well be a giant New Age space port for its burgeoning retirement community.



"Cows, cheese, corn - FORWARD!" I can hear those words rising up from schoolyard football games all across Wisconsin. Of course, Wisconsin's slogan is "Forward". But coupled with the graphics, all I can think of is, "Backward."

Oh well. The designers of these coins had to work with committees, focus groups and sacred cows of so many people - it's a testimony to the quality of the idea that even if the artwork is cheesy (WI), it's still cool.

Beaannnsssaaaahhhhhhrrrggghhhhh!!

The graphic above came from a 1952 Van Camps ad that we can assume was supposed to sell more Van Camps beans.

Instead, I think it's safe to say it scared the living hell out of its viewers and probably didn't sell many beans.

50+ years later, we can only hope the illustrator has found the peace, isolation and the heavy medication he/she needed because the person responsible for this art-direction nightmare was not quite right at the time.

Working from the bottom up, the product is well placed, but eating cold Pork and Beans out of the can ranks with scooping congealed bacon fat with saltine crackers as an all-time YUCK.

Not quite sure why it was necessary to include the drop of clear 'goo' dangling from the spoon - perhaps a competitor's pork and beans was perceived as dry? Anyway, we get the picture - these cold beans are glisteningly moist!

The shirt - has the texture and coloring of something that's been buried in the backyard. What's missing is "PROPERTY OF PSYCH WARD" stenciled on the chest.

Now, to the face. Ahh, the face of a little boy/girl/thing that only the Crypt Keeper could love. But, we know whomever spawned this gargoyle had a vain side - where else could little Damien/Damienita get support for wearing mascara?

Lastly, there's a story in that hat, but we probably don't want to know it. Maybe it was Grandma's hat. Maybe it was daddy's hat. Maybe it was...dunno. But I think we can be certain that the hat WAS someone elses at one time. But now, that hat is definately his/hers and we don't want to know how he/she got it.

"I told granny that I like my beans cold. Poor granny. She was not a good listener. It's not nice to be a bad listener. But because granny wouldn't listen, she had to give me her hat..." (cue psycho music).

I have no clue who to source for copyright, but then again, maybe it's better that way.

Good Mornin'...ya liddle CHICKS! *hick*

The graphic above is an ad for Shenley's Whiskey. It was published in a June 1945 edition of Life magazine.

Ah, the 'Good Ole'Days' - when days began with bright promise and a belt of booze. Specifically, Schenley Reserve!

We can only assume that ole'rooster has had his morning nip - why, he's already hollerin' at the kids.

Dad Rooster: "Sthing a Sthong of Sthunny...*hick* G'dam*d Morning, ya liddle whinin' sh..."

Chicks: "Waaaaah! Mommy! Daddy's had too much of his special medicine! Waaaah!"

At any rate, we'd NEVER see this for Seagrams or Crown Royal today. If we've learned anything in the last 60 years, it's that mornings need to be started with CAFFEINE!



PS - this post is in honor of my friend Col. Bruce Porter - WW2 ace fighter pilot. He painted a big ol'bottle of Schenley's on the side of his F6F-3N night fighter. After flying combat all night long over a black ocean, a sip of Schenley's after landing would have been understandable.

Well, at least we've weeded out the scary ones.

The above graphic is a photo taken for Franco American (the people who make Spaghetti O's) in 1957.

Evidently, if you conceived a child near a nuclear testing facility in the 50's, they had an appetite for worms.

But that's not the gross part. Notice how the "spaghetti" seems to be trying to escape the coming maw. They're alive?! Or, that's some really stiff spaghetti. OR, that "child" is moving his fork awfully darned fast.

Anyhow, we can only hope the "spaghetti" is soft because those teeth are really better suited for cut and slash processes - you know, like attacking people as they walk past the swing set, then retreating to the sand box while the victim bleeds to death. (I learned about this technique on Discovery Channel's Shark Week!)

So, the point is this - we don't see kids like this in ads anymore. Flouride, dentistry, hair cair products and Adobe Photoshop® have sure raised our aesthetics.

Thanks to www.plan59.com for the graphic.


Oh. Is that a hot dog he's got in his mitt?! 3 hot dogs and a pound and a half of "spaghetti"??!?!

So funny it's not funny.