Thank Gawd I found my cell phone!

The above photo was captured this morning with my cell phone camera. Normally, I don't find my cell phone until the day's over, but today, it was right there. It's a ritual - lose my cell phone, find my cellphone, lose it, find it, lose it, find it, lose it, buy another...

Anyway.

Poking fun at churches isn't my thing, but this billboard is too interesting to ignore. The headline, "Searching for something? Join us!" is either a regrettable mistake or bold admission.

Imagine walking into the sanctuary on Sunday morning, hundreds of heads turn over their shoulders to watch you pad down the aisle - furrowed brows and expressions of deep concern mask the faces of the faithful. You holler, "Have you found it yet?!" The congregation responds (in unison), "No! Join us!"

"Well, I'm just lookin' for my cell phone! Seen it?!" You holler back.

he he he.

I hope this headline gets discovered. And replaced.

ADDITION: Thanks to a sadvertising reader who wondered, "What happens if they find it?" Well now, that's a GOOD question! I would imagine they'll do what people usually do - start another church. Or a war. Or a conference. Or maybe the pastor will tell the congregation to "Shhhh! Let's keep it a secret!" and quietly take the billboard down. Then, refer everyone to the Unitarian Church down the street.

"Nothing to see here. Move along. There you go...keep moving..."

An honest photo shoot.

The other day, we had a photoshoot for a restaurant chain. While we're setting up the first shot - a huge plate of sumptuous, tasty, yummy stuff - the client looks up at me and says, remember, the customer has to have a decent chance of getting what we're advertising.

Here's a big salute to our client for caring enough about its customers to ensure that they get what they pay for...and not a bunch of glossy-photo idealism that ultimately leaves a person more unsatisfied.

Old fuel - not that there's anything wrong with that.

The above graphic is a can of "Gay Fuel" - a failed energy-drink, targeted at the...well, Gay Community. As I'm not in the product's target market, news of "Gay Fuel" took a while to trickle down to me.

Gay Fuel was real. Gay Fuel also fell limp.

Though the specifics of why Gay Fuel sales couldn't perform aren't known, it appears that the creators made one of the few but key errors in naming - being TOO specific. The gay/lesbian/transgendered/?? "community" has been labeled since time began; why on earth would they want to walk around with a tacky can?!

"Hey. You must be gay."

"Why yes, I am! How could you tell?"

"You're drinking Gay Fuel!"

(looks at can.) "Why, yes! I am!"

"Now, you must be REALLY gay!"

"Now that I finally have fuel, I feel Gayer than EVER!"

Silly, really. Of course, no "sillier" than PIMP Juice.


(pause for wide eyed stare of horror)

Can you imagine what would have happened if someone would have combined the TWO?!? RUN. FOR. THE. HILLS!!



AND WHAT ABOUT RED BULL?!?!?!? AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!!!

Change stinks.

I'm apolitical.  But "Promised Land" marketing is juvenile.  Obama may well end up being a great President. But Red Herrings always smell fishy, including the putrefied "Change" mantra.  

Why doesn't someone just go for the bulls-eye with:  "Cheap Gas"?

Damn! She needs a jacket!

The graphics above and below come from a web-ad on CNN.com  The ad links to a dating site called "Together Christian."

You have to hand it to these people - they're smart enough to use religion AND sex to promote their stuff.* 

However, aside from the especially "spirited" young woman (look closely, you'll also see that she may have been a tad chilly during the photo shoot), the ad features a big red button that announces "CHRISTIANS JOIN FOR FREE."

So, Muslims would be charged what...?  $50?  Buddhists, I figure...$35.  Satanists would be charged an arm and a leg.  Atheists should be the ones getting in for free...

Bru-ther.  I guess it doesn't take Class to be a web marketer.  Judging (he he...I wrote 'judging'!) by the strangely irrelevant Bible verse at the bottom of the togetherchristian.com home page, it also doesn't take any understanding of the phrase "target market" either.

Nevertheless, it's nice to know that Christians who like blond women with big boobs can find them for free.  Reading Matthew 5:28 is also free, especially if you're in a hotel room (thanks to the Gideons). 

*Bet this site is nothing more than a data generator for a web-marketing company.

I guess it IS that bad.

The above graphic is a screenshot from cnn.com.

What. A. Photo.  

Possible captions:

"And ah'saaay to the ECONOMY...BE HEALED!  BE HEALED!"

or the obvious,

"Aaaaaaghhhh!" 

Pasty skin?  Check.

Expression of horror?  Check.

Raised hand of defense?  Check.

Look of imminent threat?  Check.

Egads.  You know when the media starts releasing photos like that, it's all over.

Unforgivable.

The graphic above is an ad for "Sean John Fragrances" perfume, "Unforgivable Woman."

If anyone buys into the Creative Director's attempt to bring us into Sean John's passion-steamed world, they should be slapped with a dead bass and splashed with warm Mello Yello.

First, who on earth wants an "Unforgivable Woman"?! When people think of Unforgivable Women, images of smoky pistols, red light districts and wrecked pride & joy sports cars come to mind. "You took my Porsche and did what?!?!"

Secondly, the image is awful. Either Sean John is getting ready to read that "lady's" Miranda Warning or he's going to standing in a police line up later that week.

Yeah, yeah...we get the vibe, but like a bar date's allure at 8am the next morning, Perception collides Reality and the result is big Splat. Perfume/Cologne ads are typically an agency's dream. But Creative this childish and this deluded is truly unforgivable. Ick.

Lucky moms...

The graphic above is a scan from a 1953 edition of Life Magazine.  The advertisement is for a toothpaste called "Ipana."  Sweet jiminy, I'm glad I grew up in the 70's because if this stuff would have been around for my flouride-weakened system, my mouth would look like a spent smoke bomb.

But these are 50's people - wholesome, optimistic, plucky, tough...and so grateful, they feel downright LUCKY to get a toothpaste that's both Ammoniated AND Chlorophyl'd.

Read the copy...mom's LUCKY to have such a toothpaste. I can imagine her pushing through Health & Beauty aisle, downcast because of the dearth of truly effective toothpastes...then coming upon Ipana A.C...and breaking down, sobs, beams of joy, maybe a hug for the stocking clerk..overwhelmed by LUCK.

Mom should also be "Lucky" that Ipana didn't turn her kid's mouths into shredded meat - the stuff's POWERFUL!  Just check out the illustration below.  The shot on the left is over 1,000,000 Lactobacilli bacteria. Yeah, you're probably thinking, "I wouldn't be caught dead in a room with 10 Lactobacilli let alone a million!" But, let's say this nightmare comes true - a tube, maybe a squirt, probably just a whiff, will sanitize like a blowtorch on porcelain.



However, the detail below is a little more sinister than the wholesale slaughter of millions. I bet the second after the camera shutter clicked, that device stuck to her cheek let out a big ol'BZZZT! and the poor gal clunked sideways, her hands tied behind the chair...

"Miss Jenkins, we hope now that you take our corporate Halitosis Policy seriously."

Hmmm. Maybe there's good reason the mom in the ad was feeling Lucky?! "Oh children, your breath smells just lovely..." (ding dong) "Bad Breath Police." "Oh, do come in...." (sniff sniff) "Great smelling breath, kids - no punishment today...Keep up the good work, Mrs. Burbank." (door slams as the Breath Police make their way to the next house; all cheer knowing that smart, LUCKY Mom has saved them from another horrible round of electro therapy.)


Oh well. Not only does Ipana AC beat the bacteria, it's also Certified by the American Institute of Laundering. Of Laundering. Yes, of Laundering. But I shouldn't sound so self-righteous, evidently other GREEN toothpastes stained washbowls, tooth brushes, towels, nighties...right now, I've got images of these 50's kids, running around the house, hopped up on Howdy Doody, foaming with green drool, leaving minty stains wherever they touch, spit...

Ya know...that family is lucky to have teeth at all.

Miss Nadine! Miss Nadine! Let down your hair!

The above scan is of the side-panel of a bag of Qik Joe charcoal briquettes.

Without a DOUBT, Qik Joe is the easiest charcoal to light. Bar. None.

However, as wonderful as Qik Joe happens to be, it appears Miss Nadine isn't so fortunate. If the illustration is at all accurate, there's no wonder why Miss Nadine is a "Miss." She's what we call around here, "Butt ugly."

And, again, judging by the illustration alone, she appears to have stolen clothing from her toddler nephew.

"Where's Timmy's adorable sailor outfit!? It was here a moment ago...NADINE?! GET IN HERE THIS INSTANT!"

Well, and one more observation of Miss Nadine. She's not much of a gourmet. "Scrub skins of potatoes. Wrap in household foil. Place on hot coals. Bake for one hour." Result: Hot potato. Want some Hot Potato? Yay! We're going over to Miss Nadine's for Hot Potato!

Glorious, wonderful, flavorful Hot Potato! From Miss Nadine!

Geez. Add a little butter. Or salt. Or pepper. Or maybe...ALL OF 'EM! The guests won't know what hit'em. Hope they've got a good lock on their kids' wardrobes, though.

Gee whiz, Qik. If Miss Nadine is worth a three-color print job, she's worth a decent illustration.

Here. You need a drink.

The graphic above is from the English magrag "The Sun." It's a picture of a chicken head allegedly found in a bag of frozen chicken WINGS. (pause here to contemplate the next cheap-food to emerge on the bar-scene: Hot Heads! You know, to replace Hot Wings?!?)

Accidents happen in the food business. I know from experience...like the time a mouse ran up and grabbed a piece of sausage from a customer's pizza...or the time someone decided to clean the dough roller "after all these years" and found a colony of wire worms...

ANYWAY, what a fascinating display of Customer Service on the part of the grocery chain that sold the bag of Hot Heads...er, Hot Wings. They gave the customer BOOZE!

"Egads, man! That's gross! You need a drink!"

Asda's leadership is practicing empathy at an unprecedented level. In my case, I'd probably have preferred they give me a free carpet cleaning and some antacid, but frankly, a stiff belt to calm me down is pretty darned clever.