I may never work on the Diesel account.

The above ad is from Glamour Magazine - the February 2008 issue. I tore it out of a mag at our health club (I'm a Glamourous guy, you know) and tossed it into my gym bag. 'Got a little crumpled in the process...

Anyway, here's the High Concept - a blonde Asian woman is staring at her reflection as she runs into an oncoming truck. (time out - imagine that phone call from the Creative Director to the Client: "Yeah, we're gonna get a blond Asian chick, she's going to be holding a big ole' mirror and running into a truck! It'll be GREAT!"

The copy reads: "Live fast." The subcopy reads, "High Speed Shopping: diesel.com" What the...?!

Wait...now I get it! The mirror is the metaphor for a computer monitor! The truck represents the terror of an upscale mall...and the blonde Asian woman wearing last week's jeans is the customer you DON'T want to be!

Ah-HA! It's getting clearer now...If you don't shop at Diesel.com, you'll get hit by a truck! Right! Got it! No...WAIT! What's that slogan under the logo? "For Successful Living" ?!

Ahhhh. Maybe this whole vignette is a character message - "If you're obsessed with appearances, you'll get hit by a truck and you won't be successful." Right! Just like mom always taught us kids - work hard, do right, be yourself...

You know, it took me a while, but Diesel's all right, taking the time to weave that Noble message in and out of their ad. This reminds me of a saying my Mom had about about clothing and trucks...what was it (thinks)...OH YEAH! Wear clean underwear in case I get hit by a...THATS IT!

THIS IS AN UNDERWEAR AD!!

You know, if I was out walking around, navigating by reflection, and I looked up and saw that truck, I'd definitely have a sudden need for clean underwear and when I got out of the hospital, I'd head straight for Diesel.com to buy more! Brilliant!...maybe...not.

Going back to Diesel's slogan and what my mom taught - work hard, do right, be yourself, wear clean underwear...that'd be be truer to "...Successful Living" than screeching tires, shattering glass and dirty underwear.

In the meantime, you might like to see a fashion ad from 1979 that's both insane and brilliant at the same time. One of the all-time best ads ever - timeless, elegant and well produced all around.

What's a Breast without the "Rrrrrrrr!"?

The above photo was a picture taken of a piece of chicken pulled out of a bag of frozen chicken breasts.

So...what's a Breast without the "Rrrrrrrr!"? A BEAST!

Holy Pterodactyl - if that's a breast, the "chicken's" head must be the size of a freakin' MELON!

And why is this grotesque photo germane to a blog about marketing? Because customers have evidently gone boobie for gigantic, genetically, chemically enhanced birds.

Capitalism is a beautiful thing, but mutating meat to this degree is beyond bodacious - it's food porn for a nation of gobblers who simply can't get past the idea that bigger is better.

Reminds me of a saying I just made up - "If we don't like what Nature gives us, she might just give us what we want."

All hail our new Chicken Overlords.

How to look FABULOUS and CONFIDENT. Really!

The above image is from the back of this month's Reader's Digest. It's an ad for Dove soap.

For a minute, I thought it was an ad for Jagermeister. Or maybe Spring Break in Daytona.

But, actually, it's an ad for Dove soap! The soap that gives babysitters the confidence to take off their tops! Yay!

Egads - what a lousy concept and one that definitely should have been the sign that the agency's Creative Jam was done for the day. The subcopy reads: "We applaud women with courage and self-esteem."

There are men who'd applaud that woman (click the headline and go to her website) but they usually do it waving $20's to the Motley Crue tune, "Girls, Girls, Girls!"

Trust me, I get the intentions of this ad - that Dove is a brand that can help women break free of stereotypes of body image blah blah blah blah... But putting HER in THAT getup with THAT grin and THAT pose doesn't say "Fabulous" or "Confidence." It says "This sorority is about to get a lawsuit."

Maybe I'd find this ad more alluring if I just didn't happen to have a daughter that I'm trying to lead to a definition of "Fabulous" and "Confidence" that has nothing to do with body shape, size or lack of clothing.

Then again, I'm a guy. What do I know about objectifying women?!

Sometimes a logo needs a little space to calm down.

The graphic above is from www.clubztutoring.com - a franchise that specializes in providing kids with tutoring services.

Their mission is all well and good...but their logo casts a shadow on their teaching methodology. Specifically, the use of Clubz.

I once tried using Clubz to get the kids to pitch in on the housework once - it didn't work out well. First, they were too fast and secondly, I used rather large Clubz and the damage to the sheetrock and trim was horrific. In the end, I got tired from wielding the Clubz and ended up a broken man, hunched underneath my wife's wagging finger, "I told you, don't be too hard on the kidz!"

he he he...

Oh well - unfortunately, the logo designer's sense of typography just doesn't reflect the obvious passion of the company's leadership. A simple space between Club and Z would reinforce "Club Z's" desire to help, not pummel.

Next, they'll be asking for hummus and tofu.

The above ad was found in our Sunday paper. It's for a pet food called "Goodlife Recipe." The product's slogan appears to be, "Thoughtful recipes made just for them. It's that simple."

WHAT?!

Thoughtful?! ...just for them?!

Put the bongs down and step away from the smoke...CATS. NEVER. FANTASIZE. ABOUT. CARROTS.

Nor do they think "Gawd I'd love a big ole'tomato!"

Same with peas in the pod.

Spinach too.

I'll give them the sushi and milk.

BUT PASTA?!

Sweet jiminy on a stick - who's the THOUGHTFUL person thinking up these "just for them" recipes? Obviously, they've never seen real cats (notice the fangs!?). Cats are carnivorous predators. When I was a kid, I had a cat that caught, killed, gutted and gorged on a rabbit. It was disgusting as all get-out, but that cat was prouder than a pious mom on first-communion day.

Last I knew, if a cat's out eating vegetation it's just before they cough up parasites, hairballs or plain old keel over.

OH! Wait - down there on the lower left - the coupon's fine print: "Wholesome delights or treats for Indoor Cats."

Oh. Ok. Now I get it. Goodlife is for pale, whiny latch-key cats who get their toys taken away by mice.

Dogs on the other hand...I once had a dog that ate a shoe. And it didn't even puke.



UPDATE: Heard from a Sadvertising reader who claims her cat will eat Lima Beans, Potatoes and Corn (that's dropped onto the floor). I think her cat's crazy and I stand on my assertion that cats don't care about carrots.

Turning tragedy...into NEWS YOU CAN USE!!

The above graphic is from Foxnews.com. Horrible news, really - someone's child, friend is dead. But, notice how three little words suddenly make the headline really (as they told me in Journalism School) "Reach out and grab the reader!"

Those three words? Why, they're "Gnawed by Turtles."

The editors and foxnews.com are spot-on and top-notch - they KNOW how to make news exciting and...well, meaningful for the masses.

Ya'see, what's another dead guy? Probably happens in Jersey...maybe...every day..maybe every hour. (yawn). But when the body's GNAWED BY TURTLES, suddenly, I - YOU - EVERYONE wants to KNOW!

Let's try it with other mundane headlines...

"GAS PRICES UP $.15 IN TWO WEEKS AND GNAWED BY TURTLES"

"CANDIDATES DEBATE IMMIGRATION REFORM AND ARE GNAWED BY TURTLES"

"TAX REBATE CHECKS ARE BEING MAILED AND GNAWED BY TURTLES"

Sigh.

Some day, I bet even dead bodies gnawed by turtles will need a little more "ooomph" to keep the ratings up.

But for the life of me, I can't think of anything better than...GNAWED BY TURTLES.

Dang. Some people get ALL the genius while the rest of us get...

Art school AAACK!

The above image is a banner ad from CNN.com. It's to promote Konica-Minolta's website, "The Museum of Beauty."

The Museum of Beauty is pretty cool - a website is devoted to the Venus de Milo and how Konica-Minolta used their cutting-edge software/technology to analyze the sculpture. The KM folks even try their genius at speculating how the statue might have looked with arms.

But why on earth look up her NOSE?!! Egads - thing of beauty? The face in the ad looks like the Colossus of Crimea animated by some netherworldly force and now its stomping tourist towns and eating children!

AARRRGHGH! It's The Forbidden Statue! And it's come for REVENGE!! Aiiieeeyyyeee!!

Geez guys. Find another photo for your MUSEUM OF BEAUTY.



Frankly, half nude armless women without eyes are creepy.

"Whot?! It's just a flesh wound!"

When thinking "out of the box" should be caged...

The above clip is from a Russian "Horror Movie" from the '80's.

It will require 4 minutes of your life, but in these 4 minutes, you should learn an important lesson - "Just because you CAN doesn't mean you SHOULD."

Let this hallmark of filmmaking be held up to all who practice "Creativity" in their professions. Sometimes, an idea - such as making a movie about a giant marauding turtle - is bad no matter how New it is.

In case the music tempts you to stupification, try to stay coherent to the scene where the turtle gets a corner of the woman's jacket.

WARNING: The turtle dies a horrible death by firecracker.

Yes, we are indeed making a memory.

Who likes a grump? Not me, but today, I'm a damned prophet of the obvious. And it's made me grumpy.

The above graphic is from a CNN.com article on children's birthday parties. Click the headline, but in summary, there's enough wealth in this country to warrant consulting businesses that feature $5,000+ birthday parties for kids.

One of these vendors, Corinne Dinsfriend, is quoted, "We promote a healthy balance...but it's ok to indulge your child once a year because it's about making a memory."

"...making a memory"?! Corrine, $10k birthday parties are making MONSTERS.

Memories are not made worthy because of an indulgent moment. Though I realize these parties are being thrown by the minority rich and not the hoi polloi, to know that the wealth-keepers of our country are so DUMB is horrifying.

Think of it this way - what kind of a business, political, social or spiritual leader would grow from children who have the belief that their pleasure is worth a high price?

There is a burden to the power and influence that money can buy - that burden is to protect and nurture the culture, not self.

Yes, gross indulgence, like poverty, has always been. Historically, both rise right before a fall, too.

I'm afraid that what we are making a memory of is our nation...our kids are going to have some amazing memories, to be sure.

God help them.

More Airline Weirdness

The photo above is of a Delta Airlines gate. Well, actually it's not REALLY Delta Airlines. It's one of those small, regional airlines that "partner" with Delta. Kind of a Delta-sorta airline.

Anyway, the photo is of the "Breezeway." If you're a Delta frequent flyer, you can "Breeze" past the long line of people queuing up to get their ticket beeped. Bet you save 3, maybe 4 seconds over the plebeian types before having to wait again to get onto the plane itself.

But hey - ever stepped on "Breezeway" carpet? It's...almost spiritual. Well, more like naughty for non-Delta regulars like me. Man, if I held the Golden Ticket to Delta's Breezeway, I'd be takin' those one, two steps nice and slow...savoring the extra plush like a baby in a new diaper.

(sigh)

I promise. if it's ever my call, I will get all those wacky VIP rugs out of the Commuter/Feeder airline gates and into the corporate lavatories.

"Perk" programs are great but when they filter down to systems that aren't really suited for it, they're, as a buddy of mine says, "...like trying to fit 15lbs of pork into a 10lb sausage."