Turning tragedy...into NEWS YOU CAN USE!!

The above graphic is from Foxnews.com. Horrible news, really - someone's child, friend is dead. But, notice how three little words suddenly make the headline really (as they told me in Journalism School) "Reach out and grab the reader!"

Those three words? Why, they're "Gnawed by Turtles."

The editors and foxnews.com are spot-on and top-notch - they KNOW how to make news exciting and...well, meaningful for the masses.

Ya'see, what's another dead guy? Probably happens in Jersey...maybe...every day..maybe every hour. (yawn). But when the body's GNAWED BY TURTLES, suddenly, I - YOU - EVERYONE wants to KNOW!

Let's try it with other mundane headlines...

"GAS PRICES UP $.15 IN TWO WEEKS AND GNAWED BY TURTLES"

"CANDIDATES DEBATE IMMIGRATION REFORM AND ARE GNAWED BY TURTLES"

"TAX REBATE CHECKS ARE BEING MAILED AND GNAWED BY TURTLES"

Sigh.

Some day, I bet even dead bodies gnawed by turtles will need a little more "ooomph" to keep the ratings up.

But for the life of me, I can't think of anything better than...GNAWED BY TURTLES.

Dang. Some people get ALL the genius while the rest of us get...

Art school AAACK!

The above image is a banner ad from CNN.com. It's to promote Konica-Minolta's website, "The Museum of Beauty."

The Museum of Beauty is pretty cool - a website is devoted to the Venus de Milo and how Konica-Minolta used their cutting-edge software/technology to analyze the sculpture. The KM folks even try their genius at speculating how the statue might have looked with arms.

But why on earth look up her NOSE?!! Egads - thing of beauty? The face in the ad looks like the Colossus of Crimea animated by some netherworldly force and now its stomping tourist towns and eating children!

AARRRGHGH! It's The Forbidden Statue! And it's come for REVENGE!! Aiiieeeyyyeee!!

Geez guys. Find another photo for your MUSEUM OF BEAUTY.



Frankly, half nude armless women without eyes are creepy.

"Whot?! It's just a flesh wound!"

When thinking "out of the box" should be caged...

The above clip is from a Russian "Horror Movie" from the '80's.

It will require 4 minutes of your life, but in these 4 minutes, you should learn an important lesson - "Just because you CAN doesn't mean you SHOULD."

Let this hallmark of filmmaking be held up to all who practice "Creativity" in their professions. Sometimes, an idea - such as making a movie about a giant marauding turtle - is bad no matter how New it is.

In case the music tempts you to stupification, try to stay coherent to the scene where the turtle gets a corner of the woman's jacket.

WARNING: The turtle dies a horrible death by firecracker.

Yes, we are indeed making a memory.

Who likes a grump? Not me, but today, I'm a damned prophet of the obvious. And it's made me grumpy.

The above graphic is from a CNN.com article on children's birthday parties. Click the headline, but in summary, there's enough wealth in this country to warrant consulting businesses that feature $5,000+ birthday parties for kids.

One of these vendors, Corinne Dinsfriend, is quoted, "We promote a healthy balance...but it's ok to indulge your child once a year because it's about making a memory."

"...making a memory"?! Corrine, $10k birthday parties are making MONSTERS.

Memories are not made worthy because of an indulgent moment. Though I realize these parties are being thrown by the minority rich and not the hoi polloi, to know that the wealth-keepers of our country are so DUMB is horrifying.

Think of it this way - what kind of a business, political, social or spiritual leader would grow from children who have the belief that their pleasure is worth a high price?

There is a burden to the power and influence that money can buy - that burden is to protect and nurture the culture, not self.

Yes, gross indulgence, like poverty, has always been. Historically, both rise right before a fall, too.

I'm afraid that what we are making a memory of is our nation...our kids are going to have some amazing memories, to be sure.

God help them.

More Airline Weirdness

The photo above is of a Delta Airlines gate. Well, actually it's not REALLY Delta Airlines. It's one of those small, regional airlines that "partner" with Delta. Kind of a Delta-sorta airline.

Anyway, the photo is of the "Breezeway." If you're a Delta frequent flyer, you can "Breeze" past the long line of people queuing up to get their ticket beeped. Bet you save 3, maybe 4 seconds over the plebeian types before having to wait again to get onto the plane itself.

But hey - ever stepped on "Breezeway" carpet? It's...almost spiritual. Well, more like naughty for non-Delta regulars like me. Man, if I held the Golden Ticket to Delta's Breezeway, I'd be takin' those one, two steps nice and slow...savoring the extra plush like a baby in a new diaper.

(sigh)

I promise. if it's ever my call, I will get all those wacky VIP rugs out of the Commuter/Feeder airline gates and into the corporate lavatories.

"Perk" programs are great but when they filter down to systems that aren't really suited for it, they're, as a buddy of mine says, "...like trying to fit 15lbs of pork into a 10lb sausage."

In Case of Accident Take Me to Mercy General. PLEASE.

The photo above is from one of those changeable LED boards that you see in malls, convention centers...and in this case, the Cincinnati Airport, Concourse C. There's a bunch of them all over the place.

These signs are rather large - maybe 6' wide. To strengthen such a large display, metal cross pieces run horizontally and vertically, giving the signs a cool '80s 'video wall' look. I appreciated the touch of nostalgia - made me remember Cyndi Lauper, neon and people tying sweaters around their necks. Aack.

Anyway, most of the displays looked great - one hardly noticed the cross pieces until the above message popped on screen.

With a name like Christ Hospital, they should be running better numbers than 3 for 8...or at least let the graphic designer see the display ahead of time.

But then again, it got me to stare at the message, take a picture and get to know the rest of my delayed-passenger buddies at Gate 32. A shared laugh always seems to cure ills.

Absolut ly NO DRINKING in the Marketing Dept.

The graphic above is an ad by the Absolut Vodka people. It's a variation of the 25yr old ad campaign created by the Absolut Vodka people.

This particular ad was targeted at Mexican Vodka drinkers, presumably relating to their innate frustration at having lost much of the United States in the Mexican-American war of 1848.

It's a totally boneheaded creative concept, but Absolut's response to the angry AMERICAN customers is reported to be, "In no way was it meant to offend or disparage, nor does it advocate an altering of borders, nor does it lend support to any anti-American sentiment, nor does it reflect immigration issues."

Hmmm. Wonder what Absolut was going to say to the Japanese, German and British markets...

Though I'm not much of a hard-liquor drinker, I'm glad there's more Patriotic options than the Swedish swill... a toast to the good people at Stoli - SPASIBA, KOMRADE!

The Healthcare Revolt's New Rejoinder

Can't you see the t-shirt?

"I went to the hospital and all I got was this new anus."

How about...

"I paid $3,212 for a sinus infection and all I got was this new anus."

Oh, let's just cut to the chase and go straight to marketing:

Anncr: "Mercy General Hospital. We'll tear you a new..."

No, too strong.

Anncr: "Mercy General Hospital. We care. About your an..."

No. Been done.

Anncr: "Mercy General Hospital. You'll get a New Anus."

I hope one of the political candidates jumps on this. It could become the new rallying cry for Healthcare Reform.

Rock me, Sherlock.

Sometimes, a writer experiences something far beyond description.

This is one of those experiences for me.

"Cindy and Bert."

Oh.

My.

Word.

Especially "Bert"'s stare around :45 - I think he's trying to communicate telepathically with us, but not quite sure what the message is...but I can't get the thought, " delicious potato soup" out of my head!

How could that dog just sit there...and be so calm while I feel like dunking my head in rubbing alcohol!


*NOTE - A sadvertising reader informed me that in the 70s and 80s, German National Radio had to play a certain number of hours of German-language music. So, I guess, after much thought, it totally makes sense to sing about The Hound of the Baskervilles to Black Sabbath music.

Duh!

Those undies are killin' ya man!

The scan above is from the Dec 3, 1932 edition of The Saturday Evening Post.

Bear in mind, 1932 was a year of fear - The Depression was in swing and people played the cards of their lives as if, well, their lives depended on it.

On one hand, the ad is hysterical - "Home - bad cold. Worried. Job may be lost. Avoid colds...wear Duofold Underwear." Was underwear of the 30's SO BAD that the pedestrian variety could actually tempt someone into believing that BETTER underwear would ward off colds?!

"Gee hon, my privates have been chilly all week and now, I don't have any energy! I'm gonna be fired!"

On the other hand, the ad's a splash of cold water on the face of 21st Century need-it-all culture. Back in the Depression, people were happy to have a JOB.

Having spent a good amount of my short life talking to WW2 vets, The Depression was a tough, clarifying time that fueled a "war winning" work and social ethic.

Hmmmm.

I remember a friendly chat with a relative who grew up during the Depression. He was wealthy beyond the scope of most people's dreams but he still bought inexpensive wine. I teased him about it, knowing that he'd had and certainly had the ability to bathe in, the best wine on earth.

"Yeah, but I'm just grateful to be able to buy wine at all."

So there you go. Got underwear? Get to work ya slacker!

If not, stay in bed.


EDIT - Just heard from another friend of mine who grew up during the 30's - here's his comment on this blog post:

"Very interesting. I don't know about Duofold Underware but I do remember walking down our mainstreet with my little "Liberty Magazine " bag over my shoulder and trying to sell the president of our bank a copy. It didn't occur to me till later that he was walking down the street because he had lost his job, nor that when he told me that he didn't have the money for a "Liberty" (five cents) that he was telling me the truth.

There's a degree of maturation that comes from this sort of an incident, that's hard to describe. Yeah, and I drink cheap wine and gin too. Cheers, Bill"