I, Expert.

The graphics in this post were taken from the Terro Ant Killer website. Pay attention to the blue-shirted dude in the lower right - he's The Expert.

But first...

Ants are awful. Granted, they don't have the horrible stigma associated with Black Widow spiders, Plague-carrying fleas or Killer bees. Instead, an ant infestation is a sign of more subtle pain - the pain of meaning: "Hello. This house has so much old food laying around, we decided to colonize!"

Before you get self-righteous, bear in mind that a child can whip a ketchup-soaked piece of hamburger bun across the room and into an unseen gap faster than an adult can blink. We try to get what we can, but sometimes even our expert skills miss the rolling Cheerio™ or bouncing Gummy Bear.

Our aim is hospital-clean. Sometimes we miss. Today, we have ants. Guilty.

BUT! That's why there's Terro! (cue harp music, angel sighs and clouds parting).

Anyway, I spent the night setting up Terro bait all over the house. As a person who prides himself on his desire to learn, I went to the Terro website to learn more about this miracle killer...and discovered the "The Expert."



That's the guy - The Expert. No name. No credentials. Just "The Expert." Maybe Terro is trying to give The Expert that aura of mystery - the kind of vibe reserved for hit men, illegal arms merchants and successful multi-level marketing people.

I just want to know why I should listen to him. Personally, the blue shirt, tie, premature gray, wide-spaced bushy eyes and Joker-mouth creep me out. But then again, he's an Expert in death. Millions, BILLIONS die by this guy's genius, every day.

Somewhere, in the recesses of my foundation (how do I know? I read it from THE EXPERT!), some poor little worker ant is puking boric acid, spending his last seconds of life - "Leave! (cough cough) Th'they...(puke!) brought in...(cough, gasp)...THE EXPERT!"

The other ants shudder in Terro (pun!) leaving behind our child-infested house.

"Honey, good news! I just found this LifeSaver stuck to the heat register! The last time the kids had LifeSavers was Halloween!"

"Any mandible marks on that ol'LifeSaver?"

"Not a one! It's as fresh as yesterday!"

"Ah, that's just great, dear! Isn't it great we have Terro?"

"No. Isn't it great, Terro has THE EXPERT?!"

die you little freaks...

Yeah it's "Breathtaking." And it might be your LAST!

The graphic above is a scan from Boys Life magazine featuring an ad for Cherokee, North Carolina.

Evidently, Cherokee, North Carolina is a place where people can learn about Cherokee culture - part tourist trap, part historical site...I'd go. But only after I'm sure it's safe.

The headline reads: "We hope you have your First Aid merit badge. Cherokee is quite breathtaking."

Hmmm.

'Don't know about this...I don't want to take my family some place that will require me or anyone else to say, "Boy! Am I glad I know first-aid!"

Oh, ok. I read the next line, "...Cherokee is quite breathtaking."

Ahh. Cherokee will take my breath away! As in...beauty, magnitude, awestruck-ness.

No, wait a minute...there's something else about that ad that doesn't seem right...maybe it's that mad fat guy slathered in red paint giving me the death-stare.

After a bit of thought, having one's "First Aid" merit badge is a little passive. If I go to Cherokee, North Carolina, I want a pistol permit.

Yeah, that'll make her cry alright.

The graphic above is a scan from the May 2007 edition of Parents® magazine - the topic, "Mother's Day Masterpiece" is part of a section dedicated to ways "Dads" can, "...give your wife a meaningful work of art...".

It's actually an advertorial ad for the photo service "mydavinci.com." What "mydavinci.com" does is alter uploaded photos to simulate a hand-painted/drawn piece of art.

Neat idea - perfect for people who don't have Photoshop skills or other expensive image-altering software.

But why did mydavinci.com choose a photo that rendered the perfectly fine-looking lady into Chucky - the knife wielding evil doll from the b-movie franchise?



Point #4 on the advertorial reads, "Get out the tissues. We swear this gift will make her cry."

Well DUH! She'll cry, then after she's shaken that off, she'll make Chucky seem as harmless as dryer lint.

What's next?!

The graphic above is a screen-capture from the website of Sioux Falls, SD television station, KELO.

Crime of the week?

CRIME OF THE WEEK?!

So, in other words, this week's crime in Sioux Falls is Stencil Graffiti.

Or, this week's featured crime is: Stencil Graffiti.

Why, it's CRIME OF THE WEEK!

"Hey Gary. Watcha' doin?"

"Makin' meth. Wat'YOU doin?"

(shakes spray can) "Oh, gettin ready to do a little...STENCIL GRAFFITI!"

"Wow man! That's CRAZY! Can I do some too?!"

"Well DUH! Stencil Graffiti is CRIME OF THE WEEK!"

"NO WAY!"

"WAY!"

"Man, I'm putting my meth lab AWAY and gettin' out the Krylon!™"

"Just make sure you don't loose that ole' meth lab."

"Why, man?"

"'Cuz Meth Labs are Crime of the Week NEXT WEEK!"

"I AM SOOO THERE!"

"Last one to make a stencil is a rotten egg...!"

"Whoo hoo!!"