I want my money back, Chevy.

The spot above is from a Chevy campaign.  It's designed to be a take-off of the once-popular show, "The Office."  It's a well produced, well acted, well directed bit of video.

But it sucks as a television commercial for a car company.

Why do ad-people do this crap?  And by "this crap" I mean this kind of oblique creative that has nothing to do with the product or the customer virtues...but instead, placates a Director's "vision"???

Catch a clue - American car companies have been RUN OVER by the Japanese, the Germans, the Koreans...and now FIAT, (Fix It Again Tony) is trying to come back to the U.S. car market.

And why are these OTHER nations' car companies so successful?  Because our car companies SUCK.  So much so that the fat cat 1%'ers had to show up in Washington D.C. a couple years ago and ask for a loan.  From you & me.

And them furriners make better cars, too.

Instead, we get high-concept barf like this - making dealers look ridiculous, not talking about the product and comparing themselves to a show that casts a cynical pal across the typical workplace.

Grrr.

We're not teaching (I mean ad schools, mentors, etcs) the Craft any more.  Instead, I get the impression that the next crop of Ad People are simply frustrated Lucas's who realize they'll never make Star Wars.  Instead, commercials will do.

Ok, Chevy.  Gimme $15K and I'll make you a kick ass commercial.

You're not listening.

And that's why I drive Mazdas, Porsches and Hondas.

"Where we goin' honey?"

The spot above is for Nissan.  They're launching "5 All-New Models."

And they're driving blind.

Yeah, I get the subtleties - Nissan is proud of their new models but can't quite release the details so they build the buzz by showing busy Americans sparked by the promise of New.

"Gary?  I got it!  This is what we do.  We keep our Media up by showing the cars we can't show...draped...by...a cloth!  And we'll show the good Folk seeing them drive by...reassured by the promise of all-things-Nissan!"


"Approved.  Now, getting back to your request for time-off next Tuesday...!"

Except.

If you & me (good Folk that we are) saw a car driving down the block draped in white cloth we'd call 911.  The imaginative among us might shout, "THE DEAD!  THEY DRIVE!"  But for the most part, we'd freak out - not smirk approvingly like the Talent did.

Look.  Driving cars that are wholly draped through neighborhoods is not exactly cheap.  I bet it cost Nissan at least $900 in extra animation time...at least I think so.  Gawd-forbid they did that for real.

But the lame creative tells me two things.  1.  Nissan didn't bring their A-team in on the 5-new-car-Creative.  2.  Nissan didn't ask their legal team the ramifications of showing their cars riding through suburbia cloaked in white sheets.

So.

Did you see the Mazda spot?

Now THAT'S creativity!

Here's how it went down. I just know it.

Account Executive:  Well, their #1 product quality is cleansing skin.

Creative Director:  Well, what's hard to clean off skin?

Account Executive:  Motor oil?

Creative Director:  No...think harder.

Account Executive:  Animal guts?

Creative Director: No, stupid! Atomic radiation!

Account Executive: Why...it's....GEEEN-YUS!

Fast forward five years, deep in the bowels of a Madison Avenue ad agency, a once perky blonde uses her tentacles to sort mail and new-hires are warned, "Don't go down to the basement." 

Is Brawny Mitt Romney? (say it fast! It's fun!)

I didn't ask the question, but once posed, I think you can understand why it became the most compelling  command of the past :15 seconds.

"Is Mitt Romney the Brawny Man!?"

Or, stated in a much more lyrical fashion,

"Is Brawny Mitt Romney?"

Well, as you can see, I tried to find out.  And the result was...a waste of time.  Thank you, Sadvertising reader.  I'll never get those 15 seconds back.

However, if "Is Brawny Mitt Romney?" turns into a campaign slogan, he better pony-up with the cash or else my lawsuit is gonna' leave Mitt's bank account a bit SCRAWNY.

Anyway, this all brings up an interesting point -  "What happened to the other Brawny guys?!"

Well, I bet Left Brawny's still there, workin' on the Camaro, helpin' Karen at the grocery store once'n'awhile...

Right Brawny, on the other hand, prolly left the forest to open up that "fun dance club with a Tapas Bar and a Ricky Martin lookalike contest!" that Left Brawny was always a little creeped out about hearing.

"Look dude.  I don't own any cutoffs and I'm not going to make any cutoffs cuz I'm not going to wear any cutoffs.  Now just shut up and cut wood!"

The Google has spoken - let the Hoarding begin!

The article above is from the Chicago Trib - it announces Mars (Candy Bars) intent to discontinue their king-size bars and replace them with smaller ones maxed at 250calories.   Ostensibly, it's part of Mars' "commitment to health."  

More likely, it's a fear of rising ingredient costs and a vision of a future where anyone with a BMI greater than 24 needs permission from their health-insurance carrier before buying a candy bar.

Whatever.  I smoke cigars and welcome my new hand-to-mouth friends into the Ring of Persecution.

Anyway, the point here is to look at the Google ad that popped up when the algorithm of Message met Monetization.

Did the Google God tip its hand?

Clearly this is cause for concern - no, depression!  But for whom??  For the sugar-jacks who will soon have to buy TWO Mars Bars instead of one?  For the money traders who know the Chocolate Index as the true indicator of economic health?

Or the Priests of Psych who sit upon the truth - that, "These (3) signs of Depression Are A Clear Sign of Depression."

It's coming people.  It's coming...

Don't type with your mouthful.

The bag of crunchy somethings above is from HyVee - a midwestern grocery store chain.

Let's see.

They got Tostados - bite size, white and yellow ones.  Nice for decorating, I bet.

They got Tortilla chips, too.  Ranch, Nacho and "Restaurant Style 100% White Corn." Hmmm.  They're right.  I've never, ever seen Ranch or Nacho chips at a self-respecting restaurant.  (make mental note of this Quality Indicator).

And, they got Corn Chips.  Just Corn Chips.  Your basic Chips of Corn.   Nothing more, nothing less.

Up until now, I was tracking along the Brand.  But suddenly, someone found the Can of Adjectives and had a PARTY!

Get a mouthful of these names -

Cheese-Eze Puffed Cheese Flavored Corn Snack
Krunch-Eze Crunchy Cheese Flavored Fried Corn Snack
Butter Flavored Pop Fresh Baked Corn Pops
Cheese Flavored Pop Fresh Baked Corn Pops
Cheese Balls Backed Cheese Flavored Corn Snack

"Bill, I think I've got it!  We should call them Cheese Eze Cheese Puffed Corn Flavored Snacks!"


"We can't, Tom.  Just got back from Legal, Tom  It turns out that's trademarked."


"Dangit!  All the good names are TAKEN!"

These are the most bizarre names I've seen in a while.  And how are kids supposed to get addicted to salty snacks with names that require a cheat sheet?!"

"Mo-om, could you get some Cheese Eze Crunchy Punchy Funchy Grunch..."

"Spit it out, honey..."

[patoooey]

"Pringles.  I want Pringles."

Look Clem - I think they want somethin'!

The ad above is authentic.  It's a tourism ad for North Dakota.

Two guys, three 'gals.'

The copy reads, "Drinks, dinner, decisions.  Arrive a Guest, Leave a Legend."

You know what the "Decision" was?  Deciding which Gal had to drive them all home.

And the "Legend"?  Well, in North Dakota, husky girls and awkwardly dressed men can find each other.  At least if they're walking in front of the right window.

Mystifying, really -  with other potential Tourism topics like, "Going to Rummage Sales,"  "Church Pancake Dinners" and "Heading into Town to Get Supplies," why did they pick, "Bang on the Window for Alcohol"?

"Look Lorie!  One of them has a BEER!"
"Hand's off - he's MINE!"

(giggle giggle)

North Dakota.  Arrive a Guest.  Leave A Tip.

UPDATE:  It gets weirder - the ad is targeted at CANADIANS (click)!   And you know those Canadians - they'll do anything for beer.

Mercedes Kampf

"Yes.  Yes!  Yes!!  Che's our man!"

So.  You're Mercedes Benz and you're making a presentation at the gigantimundo Consumer Electronic Show (CES) and want to make a point that you - like all the cool gizmos at the show - are REVOLUTIONARY.

So, you send your 20-something Creative Team to google "Revolutionary" and voila.

Still wondering why putting the iconic face of Cuban "Revolutionary" Che Guevara into your Powerpoint is a bad idea?

He pushed Communism into the bellies of the Cuban people, ushering a Totalitarian regime that's killed thousands and stripped the freedoms of millions.

And why Che when you've got the Premier Brand of dictators right in your backyard?!?

And he was a Mercedes-man, to boot.

You know in some parts, 2 outa 3 ain't bad.

The above photo was sent in by a Sadvertising reader - it's a Cracker Barrel gift-card from one of them-there gift card racks that are everywhere.

"Eat, Shop.  Relax, it's good for both."

Oh the vagaries of punctuation and typography, eh?

1.  You can Eat, then Shop...but you'll be stressed as Hell.

2. You can Eat and Relax...but afterwards, you can't shop (because you fell asleep and closed the place down?!  "Gawd...last night me'n Goober closed CRACKER BAR'L!  Day-um!  Whoo-hoo!"

3.  You Shop, then Relax.  But you can't eat.  I wonder why not?  Maybe cuz you're sick of the freaking place?  "Gawd, if ah'see one more Cin-mun bun candle, ah'm gonna PUKE!"

But then again, maybe...Cracker Barrel knows something about its customer's ability to count.

Certainly they need to learn a thing or two about how to position and punctuation headlines.

I'd have done-it lahk this...

Eat.  Shop.

Relax - you can do both!

Yes. Yes! YES! That's how it WORKS!!

The graphic above is real - it shows the use and result of the "Shape Up Body Pad."

It's so messed up.

Are you hearing the squishy, slurpy sound effects as the woman drops the slug into her pants?

*slurpglurpflurp*  Then the parasite takes hold - the deal with the devil complete!  In exchange for sumptuous curves, the creature attaches itself, forever one with the new host!

"Lauren...it's time to steal again.  Master says so!"


"No!  NO!  I won't, I just WON'T!"


"Look.  You want a butt or not?"


"Yes Master. (sigh)  I'll take us to Wal-Mart. "

Mwaa-ha ha ha!

In the meantime, a woman with such an impossibly NON EXISTENT BUTT doesn't need a silicone slug to drop into her pants.  She needs to eat it.