Why squirrels shouldn't be allowed on photo shoots.

The picture above is of a scan of Thermal Underwear I bought last week.

I won't write much about this because the question is simple - is that a squirrel (or similarly sized mammal*) or a tumor?

Maybe I'm just not clued into the ways and wiles of how to sell Thermal Underwear because I look and think, "Geez.  Gross."

But then again...I bought them.

YIKES!

*Or a manimal?!

Wow. Nice car. (yawn) *snore*

The ad above was torn from the back of a recent edition of Car & Driver magazine.  Though I think it's supposed to represent the design prowess of Infinity Cars, I suspect it's more indicative that the leadership has fallen asleep at the wheel...

Everything about this ad - and I mean everything - reeks of a funeral.  Black.  More black.  "Mr. Takashi Nakajima" looks like he's about ready to say, "I am so, so sorry about your loss.  Please sign the guest book, refreshments are near the exit..."

But the kicker is the comatose copy.  The dominant words are EMOTION and FALLS.   Say it together now...

What?!  Design a sexy rev'em up concept car and the best the art director can do is boldly claim that EMOTION FALLS?!  Well, one look at "Mr. Takashi Nakajima" and eyelids fall right along with the poorly placed type.

I didn't have the energy to check what resolution I scanned this yawner, but in case it's low rez, some of the body copy:

"Simple yet complex, elegant yet dynamic, the Essence perfectly balances the mechanics of technology with the fluidity of nature.  As Mr. Nakajima likes to put it, "It is everything I want, nothing I don't.'"

Hmmm.  Must have been Friday because the copywriter shamelessly pulled the old trick of comparing stink with rot.  "Honey, your meatloaf was subtle yet overpowering.  Common, but wholly unique. It was a meal I hoped for yet didn't want."

Oh geez.  They should have written "SEX" into the side of the car with a finger dipped in peanut butter and called it "subliminal sensuality."

Well, I guess we know what the funeral is for - the car's SOUL.  But it sounds like Infinity didn't want that in the first place.

Sweet Jimminy!  I get it now!  They're going after the well-heeled Zombie Market!

(Yawn).  Time to hit the hay and dream of Mazdas.  Zoom!  Zoom!

Blame the Ad Man.

The above ad is for Lysol® disinfectant, circa 1948. Go ahead. Click on it. Read it. And if you're a man, be prepared to think deeply. This might sting.

You know, back in the day, we (guys) had it pretty good. We had our meals made for us, houses clean & sparkly, we positively owned anything mechanical (i.e. the cars)...heck, we even smoked pipes in the living room.

Then, the Women's Movement came along. We had to cook. We had to clean. She learned to drive... and Borkum Riff began ruining her drapes.

And today? Why, just last week, I painted my youngest's nails and did I draw a little smiley face on her pinky? You bet I did. Did I erase it and start over when she started to cry (because it looked icky!)? You bet I did. Eventually, I got it right, too. Sigh.

How did Man-ness lose all that we had so naturally reigned o'er?

I blame the Bubba who wrote this ad. He's the one. The finger on the Tipping Point that sent all of Male Domination cowering in "Yes, dear!"

You know, Advertising People need to be certified. Licensed. And stupid ideas? They should be a crime. You KNOW that a smoky board room of gut-busting buddies thunk up the idea of injecting caustic chemicals into a birth canal as a way to "increase business around here!"

Boneheads.

If I had a time machine, I'd go back...but I can't.

Instead, I'll just wait out the day when our Female Overlords inevitably get fat, lazy and overconfident... let's hope some adWOMAN doesn't decide that a hot wax depilatory will cure jock itch.

Postscript: Check out the line, "...restore everyone woman's confidence in her power to please." Geez. I feel like I just read a charming Children's Story written by Hitler.

Note: A Sadvertising reader estimated the proper dilution of Lysol to be about 1 Tablespoon per 55 gallon drum. If he's right, a bottle of Lysol given at graduation should last right up until menopause. Give or take.

The ad above arrived in today's paper.

People have been marveling at baby's butts for years. Personally, every experience I've ever had with the things have been awful, but that's just because I'm one of those post-modern, dutiful dads who believe in sharing the load as a parent.

Now, I "get" the idea that once clean, disinfected and dried, their little bums are smooth. "Awww. Aren't they so CUUUTE!?!?"

But that's not the point of this post. Pay note to the headline: "Clinically proven to give you skin that rivals your baby's bottom."

Clinically PROVEN. As in, data. Scientific-like. White lab coats. Clipboards. Baby butts. People making notes. And a pointy-faced scientist with one glove on a lil'patootie and the other on some woman's cheek, shouting to his assistants, "MORE TESTS! WE NEED PROOF!"

And while we're flushing the poor copywriter's work down the toilet, what does "...rival..." mean?

"Honey?"

"Yeah?"

"You know when I kissed your cheek this morning?"

"Yeah?"

"It rivaled a...BUTT!" (suppressed laughter, erupting into knee-slapping guffaws).

I tell ya, once they were potty trained, the days around our house went a little smoother.

Cuz! That's why!

The scan above is of the BACKSIDE of a package of Gillette Mach 3 blades. There. Now you have a glimpse into my toiletries.

Flipping the pack over, I read the back copy and was rather surprised to find the Gillette company eager to jar my Mach 3 loyalties with a front-and-center ad for their 5 blade Fusion™.

It's shameless, obviously pointed at the more expensive, profitable upsell - nothing wrong with that. It's the American way.

However, do you notice the question, "Why is Fusion better than MACH3?"

Why, it should be obvious - according to Gillette, it's "8 years of shaving innovation."

Hmmm. That's one step above, "Cuz." Definitely better than, "Uh." About on par with, "It's got a cool rubber thingy on the end!"

Looking at the line another way, say I create a dynamic new product - like, a Toast Sharpener - and you ask me, "Why do I need this?" And I say, "8 years of toasting innovation!"

Gillette's slogan is "The Best a Man Can Get." Is bush-league salesmanship the best Gillette can get?!

Kids these days - they get their first whiskers and think they're copywriters.

Our Polish brothers

The graphic above was taken from Foxnews.com - it shows a photo used on Microsoft's websites - one in the US, the other, Poland's.

I missed the scoop of this story by about 5 minutes - basically forever - so I'm not going to try and elaborate on the obvious.

But, I'm actually liking the white guy better. I think he says, "Hey! Let's get out the Nerf™ guns after the meeting, 'k?!" He's just happy to have a job and is probably doodling the Microsoft logo on his new note pad. And writing "Cool!" and "She is so HAWT!!" in the margins.

The black guy is just too corporate. He just jotted, "Downsize IT by 23%, tomorrow."

The full graphics are below:

And my version:

Oh! So they're a PROFIT DEAL!

The graphic above is a scan of a direct mail card for the "Apple Tree Children's Centers" in South Dakota.

The copy invites us to "...come see why your friends and neighbors choose Apple Tree..." and goes on to offer us $10 for "ice cream treats" after we've taken a tour.

"Ten bucks?!" you exclaim!

Sweet jimminy - if the Apple Tree folk are right, $10 is just the beginning because - and this comes from the first line of copy - "Your children are your most valuable investment."

(time machine way-back sfx) dooodleoodledoodleoodle

I remember when our first came into the world - looking at that squigling, wriggling bundle of cells, the first tender cry, bewildered eyes, tiny clenched fists... but I don't remember, "Honey! We have an investment!"

I could be wrong in my cynicism. Look at the success of the Lohans, the Spears and the Jacksons. They made gajillions! Obviously, their investment paid off.

"Honey, how did Suzie do today?"

"Well, she's up two and quarter, but overall down from yesterday's high of fifteen."

"Dangit! I'm not pumping another dime of ice cream into that investment until it turns around!"

"Maybe we diversify and get a dog?"

Power to the People.

Short story - United Airlines broke his guitar, he had witnesses...

and got a middle-management runaround resulting in nothing.

This guy is could be the Che Guevara of the airline industry.

He's also a brilliant marketer.

Invasion of the Bubble People

The graphic above is a screenshot of the Purell hand sanitzer's website.

Of course, you notice the little guy with the booger blow. Having a bit of experience with situations as shown, I know what comes next - wiping of the goopy hands on pants and hair, then spilling of the milk and holding up arms for a hug.

Kids can be gross.

But snotty children don't qualify as "sadvertising" - Purell's crappy slogan does. "Imagine a Touchable World."

Say it again - "Imagine. A. Touchable. World."

Well, it's come to this - we're now a creation of phobes, so imprisoned by our fears that our best life comes from imagining existence without filth. Especially the skin burning, plague inducing, lethal boogers of little kids.

Child to Parent (speaking through a hermetically sealed glass partition): "Mommy? What was life like before we became safely sealed in our Purell® tanks?"

Parent to Child: "Well dear, we were surrounded by things. Horrible, untouchable things!"

Sweet Jimminy...and then, Pfizer (Purell's mothership) has the gall to give us 99 reasons to use their deadly goo. Click this post's headline for the whole list - don't miss #53 medicine balls (they're dripping with irony, you know) Or #81 school bus seats...yeah, that'll work - slather cooling, fuming Purell on our kids' pants.

And #96 - tickets. A friend of was given tickets to see Celine Dion...and threw up. I guess he didn't use enough Purell. Thank you, Purell. Next school carnival, we'll just carry a bucket of Purell® to splash the kids when they win big at ring-toss.

This type of goofy fear-baiting is the real filth here.

Interesting fact: Pfizer® manufactures Sinequan®, a drug used to treat Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Brilliant, actually.

Hmmm. Right now, I'm imagining a world that embraces OCD as a natural talent and the Chosen Ones can be productive in society, keeping our tickets and medicine balls squeeky clean.

Microsuck.

Microsoft won't really be serious about bringing truly clever advertising until it incorporates the "pull-my-finger-while-I-fart" joke into a campaign.

That'd REALLY be great.

Anyway, nice job, Apple. Great spot.