Now THIS is brand consistency!

This was just sent in from a sadvertising reader - the screenshot above is from Toxic Waste candy, a favored deviance of nine year old boys.

The screenshot below is from Wallet Pop, demonstrating the definition of the word IRONY.  See - they just got busted for having LEAD in their candy.  Talk about TOXIC WASTE.

 I can see the VP of Marketing, standing before the lawyers explaining how "No, no, no, you've got it all wrong!  See, we're building a BRAND, see?  We're just bein'real, see?!"

And where do you think this stuff is made?  Three Mile Island?  Chernobyl?  Hiroshima?  Naw.  The suits chickened out and went with the low bid from Pakistan.

In the meantime, I'm dusting off my idea for lead Legos®.  Nothing says 'quality' like metal, ya know?  And I think they should be scented sour apple and cherry.  You know - just to smell good.  For the kids.

Next, them damn Swedes.

The photo above was sent in by a Sadvertising reader.  His daughter brought it home.

 Being of French descent, he found it amusing.  Married to a Latino, he found it disturbing.   As an American, however, he was outraged that a Salon (of all places!) would be so bold as to work to wiping out one of our Nation's founding nationalities.

He's up in arms about this - "Hitler tried it with machine guns, now Studio 35 is trying it with flammable liquid!  Can't we just GET ALONG?!"

I told him to leave it be - everyone knows the best way to get rid of Poles is to throw Pierogi's on a busy highway.

And he, of course, was calmed a bit after realizing Poles can't read anyway.

R.I.P. = the United Colors of Terror

According to the Department of Homeland Security, the beloved, trusted Terror Colors are being retired this April.  This attempt must surely go down in history as one of the strangest ad campaigns in American history.

The principle was solid-enough:  assure citizens, illiterate or not, of their risk of random death/injury by a color chart.    "Today's a red day, kids.  No kisses until I see kevlar on mommy's little bunchkins!"

Now, the chart was a sincere attempt to inform but it lost any credibility when NO ONE saw a GREEN DAY.  Sweet Jimminy - did anyone ever see BLUE?!  Geez, I don't think we ever left Orange!  Maybe you were like me, staring wistfully at the color chart while TSA went through your stuff, dreaming of those carefree GREEN days as a kid, running through the meadow with your best friend Chip and his dog Shep...

But, I guess with the passing of this silly system, I truly mourn the ability to bid on the job on the first place.  Maybe I'm crying sour grapes because they didn't like MY idea.

It was better, don't you think?

It's not even funny.

The YouTube above is...not funny.

Gawd, I wish it were merely some ill-conceived ad or marketing gizmo. But it isn't. It's 2:25 of incomprehensible ramble. Kind of like listening to a small-town drunk rave about Plato's Republic between burps.

If anyone can make sense out of this blown fire hydrant of gobbledegook, they should write on their driver's license, "Donate my brain to Science."

(sigh)

Every time a copywriter tortures words, baby kittens cry. And not just any baby kittens - the really, really cute ones with rainbow hearts that heal sick orphans and fart pixie dust.


I promise the next post will be funny again.

More reason to fear the Chinese.

It's cool to get a new client that makes toys (Yay!).  It's another when that client turns out to be one of them-there sweatshop counterfeiters who don't even care!

Numma #1:  My Little Pony made $1.2 for Hasbro last year!

Numma #2:  He he he.  Not THIS year!  He he he!  Call the Dollar Stores, we've got ten containers on a ship headin' for L.A!

"MommeeeEEE!  I want Love Shine DemonDonkey!  With the Spectral UniHorn!"

Geez.  With all the unemployment in the USA right now, you'd figure SOMEONE would answer a want ad:  Wanted - copywriter to make sure our product names don't suck or frighten.

The Right Choice.

The ad above was ripped out of a December issue of...dangit!  I can't remember!   Probably, I was so stunned by altruism and righteous authority of the Kellogg Company.

Kinda like when Gramps bought me that bottle of Crown Royal® for my fifth birthday.  "Top shelf, kid. All the way!"  And you know what?  He was right.  The hangovers just disappeared.  Poof!   Plus, I had a cool purple bag to barf in.

So, to all good parents out there, wrastlin' with that Moral Dilemma in Aisle 4, the choice is simple - plump the little gobblers with Pop Tarts™ and pat yourself on the back.

"Kids, this year, the Johnson's are BAKED, not fried!"

But, you know what happens when you try to serve Health Food - they'll be back to Toaster Strudel... they always come back (cue creepy organ music), they a l w a y s come back (mwaha ha ha ha ha!). 

Happy New Year! And remember - the Emperor is still naked.

Happy 2011!  Another year, another chance to be redeemed of all the lessons from the Holy past.  This year, let it be the lesson of Hubris.  Or, as one of my Mentors calls it, "The Bullsh*t that fools itself."

Anyway, I thought the ad above might be a good one to kick off 2011's Sadvertising season.  It's circa 1973.

Geez.   I tried to palm off my first-gen iPod shuffle onto my 9yr old and she shuddered in revulsion as if I were dangling a dead lab mouse by the tail.

But I have to respect the copy - "It also has mixing controls that let you mix two sound sources - for instance, your life story, narrated by you against background music."

Gawd.  How crushing would THAT be, eh?  Maybe a couple shots of Old Granddad and I'd start thinking my life story would warrant background music.  But wow - what a mental picture!    Ha.  I'm thinking Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries.

Anyway, good-year to everyone and as always, Be Careful with the Copy.  And watch this space - I've got a box of great stuff to post (thanks to ya'll).

NOTE:  Geez.  The Sadvertising Police have spoken; my grammatical error has been captured and killed.