Well isn't this just about the most disturbing thing...

Yeaaahhhh.  Riiiight.

Well, THANK YOU VERY MUCH mister 1950s Art Director.  It looks like we'll be seeing ANOTHER warning label on packaging...

Sienna - the Minivan for MEN! DAMMIT!

The ad above is for the Toyota Sienna minivan.

What happened at Toyota?  They used to make reliable, well-made cars suited for sensible citizens.

"Wow, Gary.  That white Camry looks nice!"

"Yep.  It's got a sun roof, too."

"Wow.  Open it once, 'k?"

"Sure!"

Then, someone in the Brand Department must have decided to add a little "edge" and soon, Toyota was accelerating down the fast track to...this.

The hip slogan (in hipply understated typography) reveals the target audience - frustrated male minivan drivers.    The New Sienna Minivan.  Daddy Like.

"Daddy Like."  Ah, dad.  Slopped forehead, hairy knuckles, monosyllabic.   Definitely a Neanderthal.  Only three things on dad's mind - beer, mom and, "GAWDDAMMIT!  GET YOUR SH*T OFF MY (@*#$& LAWN!"

Hence the headline, "Anger Management."

Now, Toyota mitigates the Male Driver temper by putting a camera that sees THAT GAWDAMN (@*#&$! FENCE! or SWEET JEBUS ON A @(*&$#~! STICK WHO PUT THE TRASH CAN THERE?!?!

Boy, I bet the family's happy now.

"Mom?  Why does daddy swear so much?  Is it because he got passed over for The Promotion again?"

"Hush hush!  We can barely afford this lease as it is!"

Thanks for thinking about Us Men, Toyota.

Now fix your @#(*$&#@! gas pedals so they don't kill anymore people.

Assholes.

Just buy it.

The scan above is an insert that appeared in (I think) the recent Woman's Day magazine for Marcal brand recycled paper products.

Did you ever see the movie "A Christmas Story"?  Though the film is basically one brilliant scene after another, one of the stellar moments is when the little boy finally receives his Little Orphan Annie Decoder Ring and discovers that his heroine is really a marketing farce.

"Be sure to...drink...your OVALTINE!?"

Yeah. We all laughed. Those Ovaltine bastards, charming a kid with the lure of drama and intrigue only to find out it was all sadvertising.

Well, the subliminal Sadvertising forces drew me to this one like a wasp to orange soda.  Maybe it was the "100% Free" headline, maybe it was the photo of the suspiciously Satisfied Guy.  Whatever.  The BS Meter was in full-on Berzerker mode from first glance.

The Satisfied Guy is none other than Tim Spring, CEO of Marcal company.  He's an "Avid Hiker and Conservationist."  He's also rather brazen for 'one of them-there nature people.'

The quote:  "If everyone buys just one roll of our paper products by Earth Day, we would help save 1 million trees."

Is that all it'll take? Just buy?  JUST BUY?  EVERYONE?!

Why didn't he just write:

"If everyone BUYS just one roll of MY paper products by Earth Day, I can go hiking and conserving in Patagonia with the Bambi Twins."

Yeah, yeah - I saw the Freebie offer and really, it became null and void as soon as Mr. Tim's goofy quote registered.   And the million trees is ridiculous because there's no way to know exactly how many "everyone" really is.

No matter.  The brand name is called "Small Steps."  Geez. I wonder what Tim's got up his sleeve for when he's ready to take bigger steps - maybe he'll have goons in dark glasses slapping black police batons at the paper aisle end-caps?

"Hey. Lady.  Buy this.  Doooo it."