You say Bologna, I say Ralph.

The scan above is an ad for Oscar Mayer Bologna.  "Beef" bologna to be precise.

Ahh. Bologna. The first true, authentic "Mystery Meat."  What gives bologna its pinkish, gelatinish, meat-like substance?  Or the ability to remain fresh months, years...decades after being exposed to the elements?

You don't know, do you!  Ha.  Me neither.

Back in my latch-key days, buddy Dave proclaimed, "Hey!  I can make boloney taste good!"  Of course, being 12 and fascinated with things like UFO's, Bigfoot and other impossibles, said, "WOW!" And, he showed me.

His secret?  Fry it!  Dave flapped down a slice of the stuff on a hot frying pan - SSSSS!  The fat bubbled off and left behind a maroon disk about the size of a can of chewing tobacco.  And...it was good!  Yum, yum - we went through the whole pack.  Sssss!  Gulp, ad nauseum.

We were 12, young and still thought flatulence was funny.   But just because we were dolts didn't mean we were stupid.  See, had we seen the slogan, "It doesn't get better than this" even in our juvenile minds, we would have smelled "Bull."

Does Oscar Mayer really think this ad will take parents back to the Good Old Days?!  And the body-copy:  "Our bologna has 75% less sugar than a PB&J (provided the Bologna sandwich is made w/Fat-Free Mayo*)" is about six inches away from Budweiser launching an ad campaign that claims "Days begin with Carbohydrates!"

But, the goofy headline wasn't what caught my eye.

It was the kid puking in the bag.

Psssst.  Mom.  You have to fry the hell out of it first.

*Yeah, like any kid is going to think, "Yay!  Mom made my sandwich with fat-free mayonnaise again!  Maybe that's why he's throwing up?"

The Dodge Charger - for the man who has nothing.

Geez - the automotive sadvertising is in full-blow these days.

Watch the spot, but here's my new slogan:

Dodge Charger. The car for castrated men.

Someone's dating the Account Executive.

The spot above is the "Green Police" ad for Audi.  It aired during the Super Blow.

The Super Blow is an erupting pustule on the butt of the advertising industry for one reason - because of it's "Lookie!" culture, advertising is reduced to mere product porn,  hoodwinking clients that "share of mind" is just like "dollars in the bank."

Anyway, the above ad for Audi is proof.  In case you don't want to watch it, here's the scoop:  In the near future, we'll live under the thumb of "Green Police" who watch our every move, arresting us for eco-unfriendly activities like using incandescent bulbs, hot hot tubs and not recycling banana peels.

However, Audi diesel owners will get along just fine in this Dystopian world because their car is "Green Police" friendly.  In fact, the environmental overlords will smile upon Audi's good citizenship.

The message:  Audi owners will thrive in this new authoritarian state, handing over their free will to those who know how to run our lives best.

Power to the people, the only color of Audi I see is NAZI RED.   And what of the current fleet on the road?  Will they suddenly be rounded up in an automotive Kristallnacht and sent off to out-of-the-way smelters?

This ad was so dumb - and for a German car company no less.

Or else, the ad agency Account Executive was really, really hot and soooo Kalifornia.

Me?  I know what I'm drivin'...700 Horses and powered by the ultra-refined power of 100% Blue Whale oil.

Hey. Nice sperm.

The scan above is from a recent SkyMall™ catalog showing the "Gravity Defyer®" shoes.  I've been watching this company advertise their wares for years - the original ad containing the company founder rocketing on his shoes remain as Classic in my book.

In fact, the Rocket ShoeMan is still in the ad - notice the little figure on top of the black shoe.

But that's not the point of this post.  The point here is the strange choice of a Sperm as a logo.

Right now, I'm working hard to get my head around how a SPERM would ever make itself a choice for a shoe logo.  Here.  YOU try it...

(tick tock tick tock)

Ha!  You're just as stumped, aren't you!

I'm not the sharpest tack on the floor, but I'm fairly confident that Sperm isn't showing up on anyone's Focus Group about footwear.

"Can you make those loafers a little more...you know...spermy?"

In fact, I can't think of ANYTHING that would remind me of or I would associate with SPERM other than...sperm.

There's a back-story here.  I don't want to know.  But if the guy's going to start marketing Soccer Balls under the Ovum brand, it'll all make sense and I'll delete this post.

NOTE:  I am aware of all the hysterical puns that could be ejaculated into this post.  Ha. Ha. I will refrain and rise above such sophomoric humor.


Note:  Ha.  It took a whole 4 minutes for a Sadvertising reader to make their own funny - he wrote that he's laid up from surgery and wouldn't wear these shoes because of his limp.  (oy vey).